Last week, we talked at length about religious deconstruction, and how I’ve been healing from growing up in a high control control patriarchal church. Specifically, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
Today, I’d like to talk about some specific steps I’ve been taking to heal.
Again, I do want to say that I am not a therapist. I am not a mental health specialist of any sort and nothing I say should be taken as mental health advice. This is simply what helped me.
Unlearning damaging coping mechanisms
Sometimes when we’re hurting, we can lash out at people and things that didn’t hurt us. This is how I was for a long time. I was furious, at anything that tasted a little too much like domestic arts or femininity. I had been put in a box because of my gender, I never wanted to do that to myself again. And so things like home craft, even though I genuinely enjoy aspects of home craft, were things I wanted to avoid. I would be damned if I would make a pot roast or casserole.
Turns out, I like making pot roasts and casseroles. I also like makeup, and doing my nails. As I’ve leaned into my witchcraft journey, I’ve discovered joy and power in home care.
I can like these things if I want to, and it doesn’t make me less of a feminist. It doesn’t mean I only like these things because I was taught to like them. I like them because I derive actual satisfaction from caring for my home and having cute nails.
Educating myself
It should surprise no one that when you’re in a high control group you don’t know a lot of the real history of the organization. Most of these groups have a vested interest in making sure their followers don’t understand the actual messed up shit in their past. This was true for me and the LDS church.
So I’ve recently been doing a lot of research and reading on the history of the church. I’ve been following Jordan and McKay on YouTube. I read American Zion by Benjamin Park. So far, everything I’ve learned has made me happier that I left.
Sun is the best disinfectant. If you’re deconstructing, pull everything about your former organization out and see what it looks like in the light of day.
Taking the good, leaving behind the bad
There are things that LDS members are taught that are good. As a former member, I can tell you that there’s some good advice.
Family home evening is a great thing. We should all strive to have at least one night a week that is just for family time.
Food storage is a great thing. It’s a good idea to have some nonperishable food tucked away. A bad storm might hit and you won’t be able to leave your house. Maybe your car will break down, or you’ll lose your job. Or maybe you’ll just run up against a deadline and can’t make it out to do the shopping. Having extra food in the house in case of emergency is smart.
I could probably list off a bunch of other good lessons I learned from the LDS church.
This is not an all-or-nothing situation. I can take the good and leave the bad. This is related to the last point I made. I can take pride in keeping a good food pantry while still being a feminist. I can focus on my family without surrendering my career. Just because some of it is good doesn’t mean it’s all good, and just because some of it’s bad doesn’t mean the whole lot of it is poisoned.
Understanding that my pain is valid
This is maybe the most important part of my healing. For a long time, I behaved as though I didn’t need to heal from my childhood in the LDS church.
As mentioned in my last post, I was never abused within the church. Are there people abused in the church? Of course. But I wasn’t a victim of that. So what in the hell was I complaining about?
It took me years to realize that yes, I was hurt by the church. And just because others were hurt worse doesn’t mean I can’t have space to heal as well.
Pain is pain. Abuse is abuse, and trauma is trauma. I was hurt by the LDS church. I am entitled to take time to heal from that.
So why am I talking about this? Because frankly, I’m pissed off about the state of the world right now. I have spent so long, and worked so hard, to heal from the mental abuse heaped on me by organized religion. I have often felt like this is a deep hole that I am still climbing my way out of. It is painful. And when I hear things like the backward, self-serving, and selfish speech of Harrison Butker, it means one thing to me. It’s more women and men being shoved right into that hole I am still escaping from.
I cannot stand seeing people suffering in the name of God. I am a Christian, and the God that I know is one of love. They want us to be happy and fulfilled. They do not ask us to suffer in Their name. They do not want us to shove ourselves into a round hole if we’re a square peg. They want us to stand up and be exactly who and what They made us.
God made me a bisexual woman who loves witchcraft, writing, coffee, candles, cats, and ghost stories. They allowed me to see the beauty in the shadows, the light in dark places. And I will be damned if I’ll sit quietly and let the God that I love be lied about in this way. So just in case I haven’t made this clear, let me say it out loud.
God doesn’t care if you’re a homemaker, stockbroker, standup comedian, or heart surgeon. When the time comes for judgment, it won’t be based on what your vocation was. It won’t even be based on what name you called Them, or if you believed in Them at all. The judgment at the end of your life will be on your actions. How did you treat your fellow man? Were you a good steward to the Earth and all of the creatures who live here? Did you comfort the weary and shelter the weak?
And when someone tried to make someone feel like shit in Their name, did you say something?
On an unrelated note, there will be no post next week. It is my birthday and Nebula con week and I’ll be focusing on fun times, writing community, and learning. But I’ll be back on June 14th. See you then.
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