We need to talk about A Well-Trained Wife

Sorry, today’s post isn’t ten-themed. There will be more of that this week. But I just finished A Well Trained Wife by Tia Levings. And I need to talk about it.

Like, a lot.

For those who saw Happy, Shiny People on Amazon, Levings’s name might sound familiar. That documentary introduced me to her, as well as Fundy Fridays, one of my favorite YouTube channels. It also set off a very long journey into the anti-fundamentalist movement for me. A Well Trained Wife is part of that journey.

A gut punch part, but a part nonetheless.

I feel like I sat across from Tia over coffee and heard all of this. I delighted in her successes. I felt rage when people abused her. Honestly, after reading this book I kind of want to put her ex-husband’s name in a vinegar jar. The only thing stopping me is that I doubt Tia would be too happy with that.

This book talked about a lot of situations I have personal experience with. I was also in a physically abusive relationship. I was also raised in a high-control fundamentalist religion. I also escaped from both. Maybe that’s why I have such a strong reaction to this book. Maybe there are way too many of us who might feel that way.

And I have one more thing in common with Tia, which I’ll get to soon. In the meantime, I want to talk about why this book was so powerful, and why everyone should read it.

So many horrible, beautiful lines

When you read A Well Trained Wife, you might want to do so with a highlighter. Or at least the highlighter function on your tablet at the ready. Because there are so many lines that jump off the page and demand to be remembered. Of course, the best example of this is the tagline for the book.

“Today it hit me when he hit me, blood shaking in my brain. Maybe there wasn’t a savior coming. Maybe it was up to me to save me.”

Damn Tia, I feel like I got hit after reading that line.

Her healing hasn’t been easy

I thought Tia’s story was going to end after she escaped from her ex-husband and divorced him. But the story went on. She talked, openly and honestly, about her healing process. How it wasn’t a straight line. There were setbacks, backtracking. She got into a relationship too early. She had to go to several therapists before she found one who helped her. She got sick and had to help heal herself. She had to rest. She wasn’t able to be the mother she wanted to be.

I think too often we end stories too soon. We don’t see the emotional fallout. The monster is defeated, the hero saves the day, and we assume everyone’s going to live happily ever after.

This is fine in fiction, to a point. But it’s not how real life works. When we experience trauma, we have to heal from that. We don’t just bounce back. Especially after years and years of trauma.

When I left an abusive situation, I was very much in that movie healing headspace. I left that ex, left my high control group church, and thought life would be all good. After all, I was free at last!

But it’s not that simple. Leaving is, first off, not always safe. It’s not always easy. Sometimes some factors mean you have to keep seeing your abuser and smiling like we’re all friends now. Shouldn’t we be able to laugh about the time he shoved me against the wall and grabbed my arm so hard he left bruises? Oh, was I not supposed to tell the new girlfriend that story? Oh well, here’s that box of T-shirts you left in the back of the closet. See you later!

Healing is healing. And healing from emotional trauma takes time. I am still healing from my experiences. And Tia is as well.

We don’t expect someone who survived a house fire to be out to brunch with a smile the next day. We shouldn’t expect it of people healing from trauma either. And I hope that I’m not the only one who feels seen reading this.

Her message is terrifying, and it’s one that I can echo

As I’ve already hinted, I have a lot of the same trauma as Tia. However, I do want to point out that I never experienced anything as horrific as she did. I grew up in a high-control church, surrounded by women who toed the gender expectation line and insisted that I do the same.

Levings says that she wrote this book because she wants to warn people about the rising of Fundamental values in our country. The Joshua Generation is rising. And those of us who escaped that life, those who still carry physical and emotional marks, are terrified of it. And we’ve got to sound the warning.

We cannot force gender expectations on people. Especially the children coming up. It kills kids. Men and women suffer under this umbrella of expectations that most if not all of us fall short of. That none of us should expect of ourselves.

Look, I don’t talk about my faith a lot here because it’s very personal, but I feel compelled to say this. Gender norms are defined by people, not God. God does not care if girls wear jeans or boys wear skirts. God wants us to thrive, and care for each other.

As the prophets Bill and Ted say, be excellent to each other. That’s all that matters.

Making someone feel shitty because they don’t fall in line with made-up owner manuals our genitals seem to come with is not being excellent to each other.

Writing saved her

Finally, as this is a writing blog, I’d like to bring our discussion back to writing.

A lot of things came into Tia saving herself. Her maternal need to protect her children. Her friendships woven across the country across the internet. Her bravery. Her kindness.

It was also her writing, though.

Her writing was an outlet while she was trapped. Her writing gave her an outside community that her husband couldn’t control. Her need to create gave her the strength to stand up for herself. It empowered her to seek God in a new home.

Writing saved her.

Writing saved me, too.

Your art can save you. It can give you freedom in a cage. Sanity in an insane world. Quiet in a storm. Or a safe place to be the storm yourself.

I highly encourage you to read A Well-Trained Wife. It is a hard read, but so very worth it.

Be who you are.

Cling to your art with bared claws.

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