Self Care is survival

I know that I’ve talked about self-care before. But it’s 2025 and it feels like we might all need a little refresher. And for those who feel like they’re too busy, or depressed, or the world is too on fire (literally) for them to practice self-care, I hope this will serve as the inspiration you need.

I also hope we’re going to talk about something we haven’t really before. Because, maybe this is just me, but it seems like a lot of people don’t really understand what self-care is.

For example, I watch Fundie Fridays a lot. While watching the episode about Ally Beth Stuckey, I was blown away by what her interpretation of self-care was.

And by blown away, I mean pissed off.

Stuckey tells a story about being dumped by her boyfriend and deciding to give into a worldly self-care/self-love lifestyle. She talks about exercising two or three times a day, drinking too much, and eventually developing an eating disorder.

In what world is any of this self-care or self-love?

But she’s not the only one. Abby Roth (maiden name Shapiro) talks down to women who need ‘self-care nights’ where they have a bubble bath, a glass or two of wine and binge some mindless TV show.

Yeah, that’s what self-care looks like sometimes. My darling husband had a stroke in early December and is still in rehab. Some nights, self-care for me does look like a few glasses of wine and binge-watching Great North. My house is too quiet, damn it.

The thing that really got to me, though, was of course an ad for some productivity app or another. I don’t recall which one it was, which is probably good because I’m about to roast them. Based on this ad alone, I will never use this product.

This company put out an ad complaining about people taking ‘Self Care Weeks’, where they rot in bed and scroll through social media. The ad suggests that people would be a lot better off taking a week to do all the things they’ve been putting off. Like making doctor’s appointments, doing the little home repairs and odd chores they’ve been avoiding, and taking the time to make good meals.

First, who’s got a week just to take off? But also, my guy, that is self-care! That second dream week of simple adulting is actual self-care. Self-care is, by definition, taking Care of your Self.

In most cases, I believe that we should never assume malice when ignorance and laziness are much more likely. But in this case, I believe at least some people are doing this on purpose. Demonizing self-care and self-love because it’s so much easier to manipulate people who are exhausted, sick, and don’t really think much of themselves. No one who wants something from us benefits from us being cared for. Not politicians who want us to produce without taking up space. Not religious zealots who want us to listen to them, not our own still small voices. And certainly, not corporations who benefit from us being tired, emotionally drained and desperate for the slightest amount of serotonin we can get.

So let’s get real about this. Let’s get real about self-care so that we can show up as the best versions of ourselves. And let’s do that by first pointing out that self-care is never going to be self-destructive. As with everything else, the dose makes the poison.

A night binge-watching TV, ordering in and drinking some wine is self-care. Doing it every night for a month is a huge red flag.

Exercise is great self-care. Going to the gym twice a day is concerning.

A little retail therapy if you’ve got some expendable cash is self-care. Overconsuming is a really bad idea.

And in the end, real self-care is usually not going to be about these fun things. They’re fun, and they’re fine. But real self-care looks a little less exciting.

Real self-care is

– Making doctor appointments and therapist appointments.

– Taking your medication.

– Keeping your home the level of cleanliness you want it to be. Dishes done. Clothes are cleaned even if they’re not put away. Trash taken out.

– Drinking water.

– Finding a way to move your body that doesn’t feel like a punishment. If it’s the last thing you want to do, it’s not the right exercise for you.

– Doing what you need to do to like how you look. Wearing clothes that fit you and you enjoy. Fixing your hair, doing your nails, putting on some makeup if these things bring you joy. I feel put together when I have on mascara and perfume.

– Making the things you like in life a priority. I like reading, writing, doing silly little art projects and crocheting. These are vital things that make my days better.

– Taking time for your spiritual journey, whatever that looks like to you.

– Saying no to things you don’t want to do and don’t have to do. No is a complete sentence.

– Taking the time and space you need to heal from the heavy blows in life.

This is all-important for everyone, but I specifically want to talk to creatives today. Especially if you, like me, are just reeling from the world.

We want to create things. Some of us want to transmute the pain and fear we’re feeling into art. Some of us want to escape the darkness and create light. Both are fantastic goals, neither one is better or worse than the other. Both are needed in these troubling times. But we’re not going to be able to do either if we’re too busy just trying to limp from one day to the next. If we barely have the energy to microwave dinner, we aren’t writing our novel. If we’re too sick to get out of bed, we are submitting our work. And if we aren’t creating good art, then good art is drying up. And soon the only art out there will be created by rich assholes with no inspiration, corporations pushing writers to create marketable stories instead of honest ones, and of course whatever stolen puddles of words and gross weird-fingered images AI can crank out.

We need to create things. And if we don’t, then the world is going to be a lot darker than it is right now. And we can’t do that if we aren’t cared for. So we have to, have to, care for ourselves. Love ourselves enough to do what is needed to see us through another day.

And I know what I’m talking about. As I mentioned in the beginning, my husband had a stroke. I mean, a bad stroke. Right now he’s not in a good place. He’ll probably live, but we’re not sure what condition he’s going to be in.

And I am not handling that well. My best friend, my partner, isn’t here right now. I know he’ll come back. I have faith he’ll come back. But it’s going to be a long, hard road full of setbacks, tears and sleepless nights. And through all that, I still have to go to work. Life doesn’t grind to a halt so I can just focus on this one big scary, shitty thing. I have to keep the lights on, and food in the bowls of the pets. I have to take care of myself.

So when I say that I’m practicing self-care, I’m not talking about anything light or cute or self-indulgent. I’m talking about base survival. I’m talking about finding ways to make sure I get out of bed every day. And it’s the most basic stuff that makes it easier. It’s the daily maintenance of me that makes me capable of handling everything else. It’s putting my own oxygen mask on first.

Look, I’m totally aware that some of the things on my list are not feasible for some of you reading this. I’m so sorry for that. In an even slightly better world health care would be free and we’d all have some time in our days that didn’t have to be productive. But if you can’t do all of the things on the list, do one thing. If you can’t do any of the things on the list, make a list of things you can do to take care of yourself today. If you can’t make a list, do one thing. One thing today is taking care of yourself. Maybe you make a cup of tea. Maybe you get an everything shower. Maybe you just put on a song that makes you happy while you get some dishes done. Just a couple. Just the amount you can clean during that one song.

It’ll make you feel better, I promise. You deserve to be cared for.

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