I was almost a Tradwife

I was raised to be a homemaker. I was raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, where being a wife and mom is considered the highest calling a woman can have.

My mother wanted to be a homemaker. My grandmother was a homemaker. My great grandmother was a homemaker. I was not encouraged to go to college or prepare for a career. I thought for sure I was going to grow up, get married, and be a homemaker.

I had an image of what my life was going to be like. I’ve wanted to be a writer since I was thirteen. So I imagined that I’d get married, raise babies, and write stories. I had these lovely fantasies about bouncing children on my lap while I edited manuscripts. Writing poetry while the meatloaf baked. Submitting queries while the children were at school.

I suppose that would have been alright. That would have been a nice life.

But life happens. I was a full time homemaker for three years, until I couldn’t handle the abuse at the hands of my previous partner. After this, I discovered that I liked working far more than I liked homemaking. So when my Darling Husband and I moved in together, we decided together that he would be the homemaker and I would work. We did have discussions about this, and decided it was the best plan for our family.

When we got married, the Darling Husband had some health issues. But he was mostly fine. In the past ten years, his health has gone downhill.

Way down hill.

Last December, as you might know, he suffered from a hemmoradic stroke. One moment, he was sitting in our bedroom. The next, he was calling to me from help.

The next moment, he wasn’t able to form sentences. Or move. He was moments away from death.

Now, I’ve told you all that to tell you this. I despise Trad Wife Influencers. I think they prey upon women, selling them fantasies that are unrealistic and dangerous. Using our inherent guilt and years of bad traditions, Trad Wife Influencers tell women that not only should we all want to be homemakers, but that we can all do it. They post videos of themselves making bread from scratch, dressed in immaculant prarie dresses while carrying cherubic babies on their hips in gorgeous well lit kitchens. And they say that we can do it too.

These videos are lies. They’re staged, produced, lovely lies. These women are business owners, lying to you to make money off of you. And these lies can destroy you.

If I had still been a homemaker when the Darling Husband had his stroke, we’d have been cooked. I don’t know what we would have done. But this is just one example of what could go terribly wrong. Consider my mother. Through no fault of her own, she never found a partner and so failed to be a homemaker. Or my grandmother. She was a homemaker until all of her children moved out, but suffered through not one but two abusive marriages.

Marriages might not last. Healthy men don’t always stay healthy. The cost of living is getting more and more expensive, and a lot of families can’t afford to live on one income. Not all women want to be homemakers.

None of these things are failings. None of these things are wrong. In short, it’s not your fault if you’re not able or don’t want to be a trad wife.

I do not say any of this to shame homemakers. I have nothing but respect for them. I was one myself, my Darling Husband was one before his stroke. I would even suggest that I am still a homemaker, just not full time. I do, after all, keep my home. I cook. I clean. I mend clothes. I crotchet and knit. I care for my Darling Husband and our pets. I even bake things from scratch sometimes. These are all lovely things that I take pride in. I do none of these things perfectly. Even if I didn’t have a full time job, I probably still wouldn’t do any of these things perfectly.

It would be easy to say that I’m a failed homemaker. Even if I didn’t want to work, I’d have to work. And I am just over women attacking other women for not reaching unatainable goals. I am way over ‘traditional gender roles’. So let me leave you with some advice. If you, man or woman, want to be a homemaker, consider this.

Get financially smart. Just because you’re not making money doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be helping to manage money. Learn about long term savings accounts and low stakes investing. Learn about credit, and how to use it to your advantage. And build credit in your name. Having no credit score is worse than having bad credit. It seems like a cheat, but it’s true.

Find ways to keep your hand in with some sort of career. Massive gaps in your resume aren’t going to help you if you suddenly need to get a job. Have a plan in case you suddenly need to step into the work force.

Have money of your own. Money that you have control over. Maybe you babysit, recycle for profit or sell handcrafts on Etsy. Maybe you and your partner agree upon a certain amount of money that is yours to save, spend or invest how you see fit. Remember, your partner benifits from your hard work. Domestic labor is labor and you aren’t being selfish asking for a safty net. I have a savings account set up for my Darling Husband for this exact reason.

Yes, all of this advice is about money. But, while I hate this, we will starve and become homeless without money. You need to be able to care for yourself and your family if the worst should happen.

In short, homemaking is not for everyone. It’s not desirable for everyone, and it’s not realistic for everyone. Don’t let someone making sourdough on social media tell you that you’re less of a woman if you can’t or don’t want to do it full time. Live your life, do your best, and do what makes you happy.

I am not living the life I thought I would. I am not living the life I was raised to live. I am living a much better life. One that is full of unexpected joys and surprising adventures every day. I have worries. I have sorrows. But I’m satisfied in the work I do in my day job. I am proud of the writing that I do. My home is comfortable, if not always tidy. My life is full of friends, loved ones, art, good food and good coffee. And good books, of course. So many good books.

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