Tag: life

Do you care about me? A conversation about parasocial relationships

Do you like me? Do you really like me? Like, as a person?

I promise, this isn’t some desperate cry for attention. I’m not your ex or super needy friend texting you at 12:45 at night on a Thursday. Do you like me, Nicole, the person?

If you consider yourself a reasonably kind person, you might well want to answer yes. Of course you like me. You come here every week and read whatever writing or reading-related thing I’ve come up with between working and trying to keep my cat from eviscerating my roommates’ dog.

And yes, part of me wants you to like me. I am human. We all want to be seen and loved for who we are. But the other part of me, the larger part, doesn’t really give a damn. And if you’re a writer or content creator, you probably shouldn’t care if your fans like you, either.

That’s right, we’re talking about parasocial relationships today. And why they’re not only dangerous for everyone, but really don’t have any upsides.

Your readers can’t really know you

You can’t really like me as a person, because you don’t really know me as a person. You know the face I show to the internet.

This isn’t to say that I lie about the things I say online. I really am a writer, feral Christian, witch, progressive, horror fan who lives in Western PA and refers to Stephen King as dad. I really do love the books I praise and hate the books I berate.

But to know these things about me isn’t the same as knowing me. You can know a lot about a person online, and it’s not the same as having an actual relationship with them.

We know people in our real lives. People we’ve been able to have real-world back-and-forth conversations with. People who we’ve seen grow and change, and who have seen us do the same. Can this be done on the internet? Yes, of course. I have several good friends I’ve never met face-to-face. But it’s still a two-sided relationship with give and take.

Liking someone doesn’t always translate to liking their work

Even if you like a creator, that doesn’t mean that you like their creation. I love Cardi B as a person, but I don’t listen to any of her music. I like her politics, her sex positivity and the way she supports other female creators. But her music, while I can appreciate the quality and talent, isn’t for me.

Likewise, some people I am not fond of make some wonderful content. I don’t mean people I can’t justify supporting financially anymore. I mean people who are fine, just kind of dicks. Joss Whedon strikes me as a pompous ass. I’ll still watch almost anything he’s involved in.

Most people I’m a fan of, though, I don’t know a lot about. I know almost nothing about Sylvia Moreno Garcia, Grady Hendrix or Kirsten White. I’ll buy their books sight unseen. I don’t think liking them as people is a big part of that. It’s the fact that their books are fantastic.

Parasocial relationships are dangerous

I am very blessed. No one who’s ever been weird to me online has ever found me in real life. I’d love to keep it that way.

Other writers and content creators aren’t so lucky. One witch I follow on YouTube had someone trying to break into her home with a screwdriver. An Instagrammer had to move to another country because she was getting death threats and people were calling ICE on her.

Being online is scary. While the vast majority of people are perfectly kind and normal (And the comments you guys leave are so sweet!), it just takes one devoted crazy person to find a content creator and threaten their life.

This danger goes both ways. We’ve all heard horror stories of content creators taking advantage of their fans. Like Miranda Sings, for instance. The less said of her, the better.

That’s not why we’re here

We as writers and content creators aren’t here to make friends.

I don’t mean this in the mean, competitive way. I have certainly made friends in my writing journey. Other writers and creators are not my competition. And that is a blessing. But that isn’t why I started writing.

I started writing to tell stories. I started this blog to share my writing journey and hopefully help you with your journey. I’m assuming that you started writing to tell your stories.

No one needs to like us. They just have to like our stories.

So, do you like me? If so, that’s great. I’d probably like you too. But if you don’t, that’s alright. All I really want you to like is my writing.

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Your 2025 Holiday Peptalk

2025 is almost over. Winter holidays have arrived. My Yule decorations are up, my house is full of leftover turkey, and my playlist is going strong.

I am so glad to see this year go. It’s taken so much from me. I promise I won’t belabor this too much. It’s a downer for me, too. But most of my year was spent caring for the Darling Husband after a horrible stroke. He’s getting better now, but he still requires care throughout the day. My long-term critique job ended because the site folded. We had to move out of my dream apartment and are sharing a house with roommates for the first time in my life. And as if that all wasn’t enough, our beloved cat Harper died.

I don’t say all this to make anyone feel sorry for me. God knows life could be a lot worse. I say it all to let you know where I’m coming from. So when I say I’ll be spending the rest of the year doing whatever is needed to boost my holiday vibe, you’ll understand why.

If you see me on social media appearing way too cheesy and cheerful, mind your business.

And yet, all that’s happened to me this year is nothing compared to what so many have faced. Our country is in rough shape right now. People are losing jobs, losing loved ones, losing their very lives. People can’t afford to feed their families. People are afraid.

Joy to the world, indeed.

I swear, it feels like I’m singing carols and decorating my house while the world burns down around me. You might feel the same way. But here we are. The snow is falling, the calendars have just one page, and whether we’re ready or not, the holiday season is here. So, how do we handle it?

Don’t feel guilty

Do you enjoy the holidays? Great! Do all the holiday things you can. Watch all the movies. Listen to all the music. Wear the obnoxious sweaters. Post a million pictures of your decorations, food, and pets in silly costumes.

Please, post pets in silly costumes and tag me on Instagram. I want to see.

Don’t feel guilty about this. Yes, people are suffering right now. Yes, it can feel almost ghoulish to enjoy food and fun while people are not eating on the regular. But I want you to keep three things in mind.

One: depriving yourself of joy will not give joy to others. It will just mean there’s less joy in the world.

Two, you didn’t cause the suffering of others. I know, I feel guilty too. But we didn’t cause the exorbitant grocery prices. We didn’t ask ICE to kidnap our neighbors and family. We didn’t fire hundreds of government employees. None of us wants this to happen.

(Unless you voted for the current president, then you are absolutely at fault, and I hope you have the holiday you voted for.)

And three, while other people are struggling right now, you’re probably suffering too! You could probably use a little holiday cheer. If a peppermint mocha latte and a stroll through the Christmas lights feels like self-care to you, go do it!

Try to do good where you can

It’s always a good time to help others. But right now it might be needed more than ever. And it’s insanely convenient this time of year.

If you can, donate to food banks. Get something for Toys for Tots. Donate old clothes, toys, whatever you need.

If you haven’t got the extra money, that’s totally understandable. Is there a way you can donate your time? If not to an organization, maybe just in your neighborhood? Can you shovel a neighbor’s walk? Can you double a recipe and take some food over? What can you do to make someone’s day a little bit better?

We’re all in this together. We should do what we can to help.

Pivot!

For all the reasons we’ve already talked about, and a whole bunch more I don’t want to go into, you might not be able to do some of your holiday traditions this year.

Trust me, I’m right there with you.

It’s important right now to be flexible. And I get that the holidays are the time when details matter the most. The exact chocolates, the matching pjs from the same company, the specific trip to the specific store. With the specific person, of course.

Let me start by acknowledging that this is painful. Even if it seems silly, our traditions are traditions for a reason. One of the main reasons why the holidays are so important to us is that they’re so nostalgic. We cook the same things our parents made. We wear the same sorts of things as when we were little. We watch the same movies or TV shows that we watch every year. We read the same books we read every year. A disruption of that feels devastating.

But if we let ourselves get hung up on these details, we lose all chance of joy. And a little joy is nothing to take lightly.

I hope that your holiday season is full of rest, good food, and lots of books. I hope you get to spend it with someone you like. And I hope to see you around here again next week.

Paper Beats World is a labor of love. If you love what I do here, please consider liking and sharing this post and leaving a comment. You can also support me financially on Ko-fi.

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