Tag: self care

Do you care about me? A conversation about parasocial relationships

Do you like me? Do you really like me? Like, as a person?

I promise, this isn’t some desperate cry for attention. I’m not your ex or super needy friend texting you at 12:45 at night on a Thursday. Do you like me, Nicole, the person?

If you consider yourself a reasonably kind person, you might well want to answer yes. Of course you like me. You come here every week and read whatever writing or reading-related thing I’ve come up with between working and trying to keep my cat from eviscerating my roommates’ dog.

And yes, part of me wants you to like me. I am human. We all want to be seen and loved for who we are. But the other part of me, the larger part, doesn’t really give a damn. And if you’re a writer or content creator, you probably shouldn’t care if your fans like you, either.

That’s right, we’re talking about parasocial relationships today. And why they’re not only dangerous for everyone, but really don’t have any upsides.

Your readers can’t really know you

You can’t really like me as a person, because you don’t really know me as a person. You know the face I show to the internet.

This isn’t to say that I lie about the things I say online. I really am a writer, feral Christian, witch, progressive, horror fan who lives in Western PA and refers to Stephen King as dad. I really do love the books I praise and hate the books I berate.

But to know these things about me isn’t the same as knowing me. You can know a lot about a person online, and it’s not the same as having an actual relationship with them.

We know people in our real lives. People we’ve been able to have real-world back-and-forth conversations with. People who we’ve seen grow and change, and who have seen us do the same. Can this be done on the internet? Yes, of course. I have several good friends I’ve never met face-to-face. But it’s still a two-sided relationship with give and take.

Liking someone doesn’t always translate to liking their work

Even if you like a creator, that doesn’t mean that you like their creation. I love Cardi B as a person, but I don’t listen to any of her music. I like her politics, her sex positivity and the way she supports other female creators. But her music, while I can appreciate the quality and talent, isn’t for me.

Likewise, some people I am not fond of make some wonderful content. I don’t mean people I can’t justify supporting financially anymore. I mean people who are fine, just kind of dicks. Joss Whedon strikes me as a pompous ass. I’ll still watch almost anything he’s involved in.

Most people I’m a fan of, though, I don’t know a lot about. I know almost nothing about Sylvia Moreno Garcia, Grady Hendrix or Kirsten White. I’ll buy their books sight unseen. I don’t think liking them as people is a big part of that. It’s the fact that their books are fantastic.

Parasocial relationships are dangerous

I am very blessed. No one who’s ever been weird to me online has ever found me in real life. I’d love to keep it that way.

Other writers and content creators aren’t so lucky. One witch I follow on YouTube had someone trying to break into her home with a screwdriver. An Instagrammer had to move to another country because she was getting death threats and people were calling ICE on her.

Being online is scary. While the vast majority of people are perfectly kind and normal (And the comments you guys leave are so sweet!), it just takes one devoted crazy person to find a content creator and threaten their life.

This danger goes both ways. We’ve all heard horror stories of content creators taking advantage of their fans. Like Miranda Sings, for instance. The less said of her, the better.

That’s not why we’re here

We as writers and content creators aren’t here to make friends.

I don’t mean this in the mean, competitive way. I have certainly made friends in my writing journey. Other writers and creators are not my competition. And that is a blessing. But that isn’t why I started writing.

I started writing to tell stories. I started this blog to share my writing journey and hopefully help you with your journey. I’m assuming that you started writing to tell your stories.

No one needs to like us. They just have to like our stories.

So, do you like me? If so, that’s great. I’d probably like you too. But if you don’t, that’s alright. All I really want you to like is my writing.

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Stop doing everything

I recently moved. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that moving fucking sucks.

Moving is all-encompassing. It takes up every moment of your time. It disrupts everything. You don’t have anything you need.

And it takes forever! I still have unpacked boxes all over the house.

In short, moving means you stop doing everything that you normally do.

So, I stopped doing everything.

Now, to be clear, this isn’t a post about how we do too much and ask too much of ourselves. I am not saying stop trying to do it all, even though you should for sure stop trying to do it all.

What I mean is that I stopped doing literally everything. I took time off from the day job. I didn’t do any of my usual habits or routines. I wasn’t writing blog posts because I batch-wrote them in advance. I wasn’t writing outside of my journal. I wasn’t doing my FlyLady cleaning.

I wasn’t doing anything but moving house. And while that was in many ways an awful experience, it was also a golden opportunity. See, once I’d moved in and started unpacking, I could have started up all of my routines just as I had before. Instead, I took some time to see what I really wanted or needed to start doing again.

Some things came back right away

There are some routines that have to come back right away, because lives literally depend on them. The Darling Husband’s medicine routine. The plants watering schedule. And of course, my weekly planning time was reinstated as soon as it could be.

What was needed to live came back without a thought. So did the things I enjoy the most. It was kind of nice to know for sure what those things are.

Some things I stopped, but started up again

When I first moved in, I stopped doing my Flylady cleaning routine. This was practical at first, as it doesn’t make a lot of sense when you’re in the middle of moving. Then, well, life got complicated.

I soon realized that I missed having a clean toilet every day. So, I picked that back up.

There are a lot of little chores and routines throughout the week and month that I didn’t start doing again until I realized I needed them. Which was honestly a bit eye-opening. It’s amazing to realize how much I was cleaning because it was a habit, and not because it actually needed to be done.

I know, it’s flat heresy as a woman to say that something doesn’t need to be cleaned. But hear me out. I don’t care.

That’s it. I will keep my home clean enough. Because if I get to the end of the week with a clean house but empty pages where there should be writing, I’ll consider that week wasted.

Some things had to change

When we moved, we didn’t just move into a new house. We moved into a new living situation. Which is to say we now have roommates for the first time in our lives. And that’s actually been a lovely experience. But, it means that many of my habits had to change. Like casually walking from my bathroom to my bedroom with just a towel on.

I used to not worry about laundry baskets, because my washer and dryer were in my kitchen. So I’d just toss things in when they were dirty, and turn the washer on when it was full. Can’t do that anymore.

I also needed new routines. When do the bills get paid? Where do we put mail that belongs to another roommate? Who’s cooking dinner, and when are we going to sit down and figure that out? Everything had to change because we were now taking two more adults’ schedules into account.

I also have to order groceries more often because we no longer live right next to a shop. There are pros and cons.

Now, you might not be moving anytime soon. And good for you, moving is the worst. But the holidays are here. And most everyone’s routines get thrown right out the window while we’re making magic and memories.

So maybe just stop.

Maybe just stop doing all of your routines. I mean everything. Your morning routine. Your before-bed routine. Your chore charts, face care, everything. Then, see what you want to put back. See what still fits your life in the season you’re in. See if you can do some things better, or if there are some habits you can get rid of altogether. If nothing else, you can rest assured that everything you’re doing, you need to actually do. And at best, you can drop a lot of busywork out of your routine.

Paper Beats World is a labor of love. If you love what I do here, please consider liking and sharing this post and leaving a comment. You can also support me financially on Ko-fi.

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Some things are supposed to take time

I love a cup of coffee.

Yes, I am a cliche. I’m a writer and a Millennial woman. Of course my veins are full of espresso instead of red blood cells.

I make it each morning in a French press, one of the slowest and low-tech ways to possibly make coffee. I start with Cafe Bustelo grounds and a pinch of salt. (Listen to me. I said a pinch!) Then I put in a bit of cinnamon. I boil water in a kettle I’ve had for years, dressing and feeding the pets while I wait for it to sing. Then I pour the water into the press and give it four minutes to steep. The whole process takes an average of fifteen minutes.

It is the best coffee I’ve ever had. And it’s not the only thing I make that takes time. I make eight-hour roasts and garlic confit. While I have quite a strong relationship with my microwave, my favorite things take time.

Writing takes time. Writing books takes time. Sometimes, far more time than we, as writers, want it to. Publish or perish seems to be the name of the game, especially in the indie writing world. I feel like I’ve always got to have something new coming out. There’s a never-ending pressure.

Oh my God, it is such horrific pressure. When you make your passion your career, it’s a special kind of hell. One completely of our own making. Because it’s not just about creating anymore. It’s not just about writing anymore. It’s about building a backlog. About building a career.

This pressure has been killing me this year. Squeezing me until I can’t breathe, but I sure can be wracked with sobs. I published my latest novel in May of last year. And, I’m sorry to say, I will probably not be publishing anything until at least 2027.

That might be a miracle.

I’ve been writing. Not as much as I want to. But I’ve written two rough drafts for the final book in the Station 86 series.

I’ve written two rough drafts and thrown them out. Because they were just, just terrible.

Some things are supposed to take time.

Right now, I’m writing the third draft of a dark fantasy book. One that I hope to get an agent for, so I haven’t talked much about it. I have worked on this book for years now, in between drafts of Station 86 and AA. It is a passion project. I love it. I hope that someday soon you’ll get a chance to love it as well.

No one is waiting for this story. Well, the universe might be waiting for it. But I don’t have a handful of fans waiting for it. I do have a handful of fans waiting for the last Station 86 book.

I hope.

So when I work on the Station 86 book, the stress is there. The pressure is there. Time is ticking away, and every day means Station 86 fans might forget, give up, or simply move on.

This is the fear that’s been nipping at my heels. While I frankly have enough fear keeping me up at night. But for my sake, and the sake of my writing, I am trying to let go of this fear. It doesn’t serve me.

Writing takes time. Good writing takes time. And sometimes it takes walking away and taking a break to come back with the passion and creativity a project deserves.

I told you that to tell you this. If you’re a fan of Station 86, stick with me. This series is so very important to me, and I’m going to keep working on it until I give it the ending it deserves.

If you’re a writer who feels like you’re not moving fast enough, take heart. Good writing takes the time it takes. You’re not early or late.

And fans will wait. I know it’s hard to believe. To listen to faith over fear. But consider how long you’ve waited for the next book in a beloved series. Tamora Pierce published Tempest and Slaughter in 2018. The sequel is maybe coming out this year, but we don’t have a concrete release date yet. That hasn’t stopped me from checking monthly for updates.

I have a list of authors I check on upcoming releases for each month. That list includes Grady Hedrix, Stephen King, Danielle Valentine, Sylvia Moreno Garcia, Kirsten White, Paul Trembley,Tamora Pierce, Natalie Goldberg and Marcus Kliewer.

Some of those authors publish books yearly. Some don’t. I still check because their work is important to me. So if I’m willing to check for their work, why wouldn’t I think others might check for mine?

Why wouldn’t someone check for yours?

Like a good cup of coffee or a soul-nourishing roast, stories take time. Let yourself have the time you need. No matter how much time that is.

And yes, I promise that the last Station 86 book is coming.

Paper Beats World is a labor of love. If you love what we do here, you can support us by liking and sharing this post. You can also support us financially on Ko-fi.

Spooky season is coming, and Quiet Apocalypse is the cold, dark treat you need right now. Check it out here.

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Care Giving

In December my darling husband had a brain bleed stroke. He spent two months in the hospital and then rehab before regaining the health he needed to come home.

But he wasn’t whole, or healthy. He came home and needed a lot of care. And while he’s improved, he still needs me more than ever.

Thank God I work from home.

In addition to some cognitive issues, he’s mostly paralyzed on his right side. His movement is coming back, but slowly. And so I find myself in another season of caregiving.

Nothing he needs is difficult. It’s only that the requirements are numerous. During the day I might be called from my desk to help him perform some basic functions. Or fix the TV. Or let in the many therapists that come into our home weekly.

He cannot cook for himself, so I cook for all of us. I am managing his medication and his insulin. I am managing as well his doctors’ appointments.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been called into a caretaker position. I took care of my mother as a teenager when she became chronically ill. I cared for my grandmother for a time after surgery. I cared for my mother-in-law as well for years when a simple back surgery led to one complication after another.

Caring for him is not easy. I’m not naturally patient or particularly nurturing. And while nothing I need to do is overly difficult, there are constantly things that need to be done.

Days feel so long sometimes. And it often feels like my brain is full of fiberglass, slowly yet constantly scratching and cutting me.

Two things can be true at the same time. I am frustrated with caregiving. But I am also so thankful that he’s home and alive. Because that was not a given when this shitshow started.

But we’re not here today for me to air my grievances or even rejoice in the fact that he’s still alive. I’m here because I’ve learned a lot about caregiving. And while I’ve spoken before about being a writer while also being a caregiver, I’ve never talked about specific caregiving advice. So, since that’s what’s filling up my days right now, that’s what we’re going to talk about today.

So here are some lessons I’ve learned in caregiving.

You’re gonna mess up

I have messed up so, so many times while caring for my husband. I’ve forgotten to give him his meds. I’ve accidentally tipped him out of his wheelchair. I’ve lost my temper badly enough that I needed to leave the house for a bit to calm down.

None of us are perfect. And when we’re caring for a loved one at home, we’re basically on call for a job we did not sign up for and are not getting paid for around the clock. So yes, we are going to make mistakes. But honestly, most of the mistakes are liveable. We learn, we correct, and we apologize when we need to. And we go on to make different mistakes the next day.

So long as no one’s bleeding and everyone’s breathing, we can try again the next day.

You’re gonna need help

This has not been a solo project on my part. The husband’s parents have helped when they can. We’ve had physical and occupational therapists in, helping him heal and teaching me how to care for him. His doctor has helped. And my friends have been a constant well of support.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you’re trying to care for someone. It’s a massive job, and no one should be expected to do it alone. You might need some extra cash, or someone to come help clean up the house a little. Even just someone to listen to you while you lose your mind a little. Lean on the people you have to lean on. Otherwise, you’re going to crumble.

You’re gonna have to let some things go

Sadly, a lot of my writing has gone on the back burner. Some days I get to it. Most days I don’t.

I don’t usually cook dinner. I get a lot of frozen meals, and we’ve been eating out a lot. I’ve also just straight-up made tuna sandwiches when I didn’t even have the energy to Doordash something.

Fed is best.

But my house has been messy, my writing’s been ignored. And sadly, I’ve had to say no to some opportunities I wanted to take part in.

Right now, I have to prioritize my mental health and his overall health. Everything else is debatable. Everything else can be put off for another day.

Don’t forget that ‘care’ is the first part of this

This was the hardest lesson I’ve learned. And it was one of the things I messed up a lot at first.

There are a lot of things that need to be done every day. The cleaning and cooking and caring for things like medicine and baths. The laundry is a constant battle. The dishes snicker at me when I walk past. At least two plants have died.

But the most important thing about caretaking is caring for this person. Making sure they’re okay emotionally. Sometimes that means just sitting with them, and letting them talk about their problems. Sometimes it means having patience to let them try to do things when it would be so much easier to do the thing for them. Sometimes it means holding a heating pad in place, or bringing another cool washcloth, or just assuring them that you’re right there, and you’re going to be right there, for as long as it takes.

At first, I was impatient with this part. I had things to do, important things that I had to do to keep us all alive. I didn’t have time to sit down and hold his hand through this. I needed to make sure he had something to eat and was clean, and doing his exercises, and a thousand other little things.

But none of that matters as much as the real caretaking work. The caring enough to slow down, and help the person you love process what the world looks like to them during this time.

Overall, the biggest lesson I’ve learned is this. He and I, we’re on this journey together. We’re healing together. And when I look at the situation that way, things are more manageable. It’s easier to keep everything in perspective when I see us as a team.

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Starting Chains is going wide on May 30th. Check out all the places you can get it here.

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How can we help?

Hey, how are you doing? I’m willing to bet the answer is not great.

To say that my heart is breaking feels like an understatement. It feels too heavy for that. I’m scared, furious, and desperately looking for hope in my overall day.

I’m worried about feeding my family. Worried that the food I feed them won’t be safe. Worried that our medical expenses, already high, will get worse. Worried that our rent will become too expensive. Hell, I’m a little worried my rights to have my bank account and a job will be compromised. Or, you know, travel across state lines without a negative pregnancy test.

I’m also, honestly, scared as a witch. The new VP seems to believe in witchcraft, and not be a fan of it. And frankly, I don’t want Captain Couch Gagger to decide he wants to be the Witchfinder General.

And yet, I know that I’m also extremely privileged. I am white. I am in a long-term cisgender marriage. I’m 38, and not really in danger of an unplanned pregnancy. I’m probably not going to lose my job or my home. (Of course, I might look back at this post ruefully at some point.) And like a lot of people, I’m wondering what I can do to help others. What can we all do to help each other get through the next four years?

Know your community

Your local community is your first line of defense, as you are theirs. So you need to know the people in your community. I’m really bad at this because I would much rather read my books than talk to people.

But when a neighbor got herself locked out of her apartment without her cell phone, I was able to help. Just as other neighbors have helped me.

I try to greet people when I’m sitting outside. Get on a first-name basis with the people who share my building. I have at least a passing hello relationship with the people who work at the shops I frequent. These are the real communities that have always saved us.

Know the facts

There’s a lot of misinformation coming at us daily. Unless you’re on Signal, apparently. And it’s going to come from all sides. Well-meaning people are going to share incorrect information without realizing it. Bad actors are going to spread lies. So bone up on your media literacy. Check where the information comes from. Check to see if anyone else is reporting it. Check that the person sharing this information doesn’t have something to gain from you believing this if it isn’t true. And when in doubt, don’t share it. Don’t spread it. Don’t engage with it.

Be heard

There are lots of ways to be heard right now. If your politicians are still showing up for town halls, those have been a great place to scream at them. But if they’re not doing those, because of all the screaming, you can still call, email, and send letters. If your politicians are doing things you don’t like, you don’t have to be quiet about it.

Make good art

If you’re here, I’m assuming you’re a creative-minded person. Probably a writer.

This is our time to shine.

If you feel so compelled, write about what you’re seeing. Write about the American citizens being deported. Write about the way families are struggling to feed themselves. Write about the attacks on LGBTQ+ youth. Write about how you feel, watching your country bully and brutalize other countries.

Most importantly, write about your experiences during these years. How are you doing right now? What are you experiencing? What are you seeing? How do you feel about it? Write it down, even if it’s just for you. Because while we’re all experiencing this together, no one is experiencing this in the same way you are.

Don’t let yourself get overwhelmed

This is an important thing to keep in mind. Yes, there is a lot to do. Yes, a lot is going on. But you have got to take care of yourself first.

You cannot give all your money away and then starve. You cannot work every single second you’re awake. You cannot consume news all day long. You will burn out.

So take breaks. Take whole days when you don’t look at the news. Take time for things that bring you joy. Take time to rest.

I am working very hard right now. There’s a reason this post is late. I’m caring for my husband. Managing my home, which is a series of tasks that don’t get talked about enough. I’m working a full-time job, and still trying to write.

And I am not so foolish as to think that I am the only person with a similar workload.

We need to take time for ourselves. Read a book, take a bath, do some yoga, take a walk. Maybe indulge responsibly in an adult beverage. I have a standing date with myself at a local wine bar. Once a week I go, have a glass of wine, and read my book. It is delightful. And I need that time to myself.

Donate and volunteer when you can

There are so many organizations that are going to need help as our government stops, well, helping. If you have time, consider volunteering. If you’ve got some extra money, donate to organizations that matter to you. I donate to the Pittsburgh Food Bank, The Brigid Alliance, The Trevor Project and Hello Bully. I also support several artists I admire on Patreon. Because God knows the arts are going to suffer through all of this.

The point is, we’re all in this together. We need to help where we can.

I hope this list has helped you feel a little less helpless. Because we’re not helpless. We’re not powerless.

We can do good things, one step at a time.

Paper Beats World is a labor of love. If you want to support what we do here, you can do so on Ko-fi.

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Self Care is survival

I know that I’ve talked about self-care before. But it’s 2025 and it feels like we might all need a little refresher. And for those who feel like they’re too busy, or depressed, or the world is too on fire (literally) for them to practice self-care, I hope this will serve as the inspiration you need.

I also hope we’re going to talk about something we haven’t really before. Because, maybe this is just me, but it seems like a lot of people don’t really understand what self-care is.

For example, I watch Fundie Fridays a lot. While watching the episode about Ally Beth Stuckey, I was blown away by what her interpretation of self-care was.

And by blown away, I mean pissed off.

Stuckey tells a story about being dumped by her boyfriend and deciding to give into a worldly self-care/self-love lifestyle. She talks about exercising two or three times a day, drinking too much, and eventually developing an eating disorder.

In what world is any of this self-care or self-love?

But she’s not the only one. Abby Roth (maiden name Shapiro) talks down to women who need ‘self-care nights’ where they have a bubble bath, a glass or two of wine and binge some mindless TV show.

Yeah, that’s what self-care looks like sometimes. My darling husband had a stroke in early December and is still in rehab. Some nights, self-care for me does look like a few glasses of wine and binge-watching Great North. My house is too quiet, damn it.

The thing that really got to me, though, was of course an ad for some productivity app or another. I don’t recall which one it was, which is probably good because I’m about to roast them. Based on this ad alone, I will never use this product.

This company put out an ad complaining about people taking ‘Self Care Weeks’, where they rot in bed and scroll through social media. The ad suggests that people would be a lot better off taking a week to do all the things they’ve been putting off. Like making doctor’s appointments, doing the little home repairs and odd chores they’ve been avoiding, and taking the time to make good meals.

First, who’s got a week just to take off? But also, my guy, that is self-care! That second dream week of simple adulting is actual self-care. Self-care is, by definition, taking Care of your Self.

In most cases, I believe that we should never assume malice when ignorance and laziness are much more likely. But in this case, I believe at least some people are doing this on purpose. Demonizing self-care and self-love because it’s so much easier to manipulate people who are exhausted, sick, and don’t really think much of themselves. No one who wants something from us benefits from us being cared for. Not politicians who want us to produce without taking up space. Not religious zealots who want us to listen to them, not our own still small voices. And certainly, not corporations who benefit from us being tired, emotionally drained and desperate for the slightest amount of serotonin we can get.

So let’s get real about this. Let’s get real about self-care so that we can show up as the best versions of ourselves. And let’s do that by first pointing out that self-care is never going to be self-destructive. As with everything else, the dose makes the poison.

A night binge-watching TV, ordering in and drinking some wine is self-care. Doing it every night for a month is a huge red flag.

Exercise is great self-care. Going to the gym twice a day is concerning.

A little retail therapy if you’ve got some expendable cash is self-care. Overconsuming is a really bad idea.

And in the end, real self-care is usually not going to be about these fun things. They’re fun, and they’re fine. But real self-care looks a little less exciting.

Real self-care is

– Making doctor appointments and therapist appointments.

– Taking your medication.

– Keeping your home the level of cleanliness you want it to be. Dishes done. Clothes are cleaned even if they’re not put away. Trash taken out.

– Drinking water.

– Finding a way to move your body that doesn’t feel like a punishment. If it’s the last thing you want to do, it’s not the right exercise for you.

– Doing what you need to do to like how you look. Wearing clothes that fit you and you enjoy. Fixing your hair, doing your nails, putting on some makeup if these things bring you joy. I feel put together when I have on mascara and perfume.

– Making the things you like in life a priority. I like reading, writing, doing silly little art projects and crocheting. These are vital things that make my days better.

– Taking time for your spiritual journey, whatever that looks like to you.

– Saying no to things you don’t want to do and don’t have to do. No is a complete sentence.

– Taking the time and space you need to heal from the heavy blows in life.

This is all-important for everyone, but I specifically want to talk to creatives today. Especially if you, like me, are just reeling from the world.

We want to create things. Some of us want to transmute the pain and fear we’re feeling into art. Some of us want to escape the darkness and create light. Both are fantastic goals, neither one is better or worse than the other. Both are needed in these troubling times. But we’re not going to be able to do either if we’re too busy just trying to limp from one day to the next. If we barely have the energy to microwave dinner, we aren’t writing our novel. If we’re too sick to get out of bed, we are submitting our work. And if we aren’t creating good art, then good art is drying up. And soon the only art out there will be created by rich assholes with no inspiration, corporations pushing writers to create marketable stories instead of honest ones, and of course whatever stolen puddles of words and gross weird-fingered images AI can crank out.

We need to create things. And if we don’t, then the world is going to be a lot darker than it is right now. And we can’t do that if we aren’t cared for. So we have to, have to, care for ourselves. Love ourselves enough to do what is needed to see us through another day.

And I know what I’m talking about. As I mentioned in the beginning, my husband had a stroke. I mean, a bad stroke. Right now he’s not in a good place. He’ll probably live, but we’re not sure what condition he’s going to be in.

And I am not handling that well. My best friend, my partner, isn’t here right now. I know he’ll come back. I have faith he’ll come back. But it’s going to be a long, hard road full of setbacks, tears and sleepless nights. And through all that, I still have to go to work. Life doesn’t grind to a halt so I can just focus on this one big scary, shitty thing. I have to keep the lights on, and food in the bowls of the pets. I have to take care of myself.

So when I say that I’m practicing self-care, I’m not talking about anything light or cute or self-indulgent. I’m talking about base survival. I’m talking about finding ways to make sure I get out of bed every day. And it’s the most basic stuff that makes it easier. It’s the daily maintenance of me that makes me capable of handling everything else. It’s putting my own oxygen mask on first.

Look, I’m totally aware that some of the things on my list are not feasible for some of you reading this. I’m so sorry for that. In an even slightly better world health care would be free and we’d all have some time in our days that didn’t have to be productive. But if you can’t do all of the things on the list, do one thing. If you can’t do any of the things on the list, make a list of things you can do to take care of yourself today. If you can’t make a list, do one thing. One thing today is taking care of yourself. Maybe you make a cup of tea. Maybe you get an everything shower. Maybe you just put on a song that makes you happy while you get some dishes done. Just a couple. Just the amount you can clean during that one song.

It’ll make you feel better, I promise. You deserve to be cared for.

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2024 Holiday Pep Talk

It’s the day after Thanksgiving as you’re reading this. It’s the Monday before Thanksgiving as I’m writing this. And it’s time, finally, to start celebrating the most wonderful time of the year.

In theory.

I have never felt less holiday spirit than I do this year, you guys. I cannot begin to tell you. I feel like Charlie Brown. There must be something wrong with me. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel.

Of fucking course I don’t. It’s November 25th and the high for today is 51 degrees. No fault divorce is under attack in America, safe and legal abortions are in jeopardy. It’s about to cost more to buy literally everything and a wrestling promoter is about to be in charge of our country’s education. So yeah, deck those halls or whatever.

Frankly, I don’t think it’s fair to say things are about to get bad. Things have been bad, my friends. They’re about to get worse.

Now, as far as I see it, we have two choices going into the holiday season. We can say fuck it, drink our way through the holidays, and half-ass everything. Or, we can do whatever we can to bring ourselves and the people we care for joy.

Despite my bitching and (more than usual) swearing in this post, I plan to do the latter. Because this is not the first hard holiday season I have faced. And I have learned a crucial lesson from the losses and crises that I’ve survived.

Multiple things can be true at once. I can be sad and thankful. I can be scared and hopeful.

I’m worried about the future of my library. And I’m excited about all the events they have planned for the holidays. I’m afraid our grocery bill is going to balloon, and thankful that we have food in our house. I’m afraid for all of my friends in the LGBTQ+ community, and thankful to have them in my life. I’m worried about my husband and grandmother’s health, and happy I get to share the holidays with them.

This has been a hard year, personally and globally. But it hasn’t been all bad. I have lots of things to be grateful for.

My husband went to the hospital several times and we had some scary moments. But he is still here with me.

I relaunched Woven and published book five of Station 86.

I’ve experienced growth in my faith and have a better relationship with God than I ever have.

I have had a hundred beautiful, wonderful, wildly unexpected moments of joy this year. People have been kind to me, or I’ve had the opportunity to be kind to them in a way that enriched my soul.

My little hometown is becoming vibrant and alive. Rather than stores closing down, stores are opening up.

My witchy community is growing, and I am meeting sisters and brothers to share magic with.

We can hold both of these things at the same time, our sorrow and our joy. It is the only way any people have ever survived dark times. Being happy for the holidays doesn’t mean we don’t care about people suffering or that we aren’t suffering ourselves. Being sad about the state of things doesn’t mean we don’t feel gratitude for the good things and beloved people in our lives.

Be kind to each other, but more than that be kind to yourself. And don’t waste a second of your time on anyone who is trying to take your joy away from you.

Merry and Blessed and Happy everything. Find joy and solace in all the good things you can and all the good people around you.

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How I won Nanowrimo this year

We’re a week into December now, and most of us have put Nanowrimo aside for the year. And I have as well. I’m thrilled to be able to say that I did win this year.

Especially because last year I didn’t win. And I have to be honest, that kind of messed with me.

It really messed with me.

See, I always win Nano. I mean, I’ve been doing Nanowrimo or Nanoedmo every year since I started this blog. But last year, in addition to losing Nano, I turned 36. This year, I turned 37. And ever since last November, there’s been a little voice in the back of my mind, suggesting that I might be getting past my prime.

I might be slowing down.

All this to say, my confidence took a hit. And I’ve spent the past year trying to get that confidence back. Now that I won Nano, I’m feeling a lot better.

Winning Nanowrimo was a challenge. It required me to work in a way that I’d never done before. I disregarded all of my usual advice. Here’s what I did instead.

I just focused on hitting par every day.

In the past, I’ve tried to write more than 1,667 words at the start of November. And because of that, I got ahead of schedule.

And then I got cocky. And frankly, a little worn out. So I skipped a day or two. And that’s when I’d lose momentum.

This year, I focused on hitting par every day. Actually, I tried to hit 1,700 every day. This was manageable and sustainable. At least for a month. So I wasn’t feeling as burned out by writing 4,000 words in a day, and then expecting my brain to function creatively the next day.

I didn’t participate in a lot of online groups.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I did join a new writing group. But I wasn’t all that active. I’d jump on to commiserate or celebrate with other writers only after I’d reached my word count for the day.

Before, I was jumping into my groups and getting discouraged by all the people who were not getting their word counts in. Worse, I was irritated by anyone who was getting their words in. Were they better than me? Were they younger? Was I just lazy? No, it’s not that one, laziness doesn’t exist.

Was I just old?

Of course, it wasn’t any of those things. It was just that I was struggling. My struggle didn’t have anything to do with my fellow writers. And rather than letting them inspire me, I let their success condemn me.

This year, I wasn’t competing with anyone but me. It was just me and my word count, come hell or high water.

I didn’t attend write-ins

Write-ins are fun if you’ve got the time for them. They’re a great place to meet other writers and network.

And meeting other writers is a wonderful thing.

I’ve attended write-ins, study halls, and group work hours in the past. But I don’t do a lot of writing at them. At least not as much as if I were to just take the same amount of time to just write as I was taking to get to the event, do all the meet and greet events, and get settled into the location.

Plus, I used to have a little touch of social anxiety. Now, after Covid shutdowns working from home and generally not interacting with anyone for more than three minutes at a time, I have a lot of social anxiety. So when I try to write around other people, I’m focusing on all the wrong things. Are people looking at me? Does my shirt smell like cat pee? Is my lipstick smudged? Do I look like an introspective writer, working away at her project? Or do I look like a hunchbacked old woman trying to fit in with a bunch of kids?

None of this is helping me get words on the page. So I skipped the live events.

I didn’t write out in public, except for on the last day.

This point is similar to the last one. The year before I was making time to write in coffee shops, diners, and libraries. And yes, that is sometimes wonderful. But when I’m in crunch time, that is not the time to be writing in public. Writing at the library or my favorite coffee shop is for days when I’m lacking motivation or need a treat. It’s not the place to be if I need to get a significant amount of words on the page.

I did write at a coffee shop on the last day of November. And it was fantastic.

If you didn’t win, you’re no less of a writer and you can still do hard things

Now I told you all this not to make you feel bad if you didn’t win Nanowrimo this year. I told you all this to inspire you to win next time. Or, not. Maybe this will just inspire you to not be down on yourself if you didn’t make it. Because there are a lot of reasons to not succeed at something we want to do, no matter how much we want to do it.

I think it’s only now as I write this that I’m realizing something important. Last November was not a good mental health time for me. And despite the stereotype of the tortured writer, a bad place emotionally isn’t a good place to write from. It’s not a place to do anything but to heal. I needed to heal so that I could do hard things again.

Just because we fail at one hard thing doesn’t mean we can’t do other hard things. Just because we don’t achieve what we want, doesn’t mean we will never achieve it again.

Sometimes we just need to rethink our approach.

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Your holiday pep talk, 2023

It’s official, the Christmas season has begun. Not the holiday season. As far as I’m concerned that started on October first. But everyone’s got their own opinion about what constitutes a holiday, I suppose.

But one way or another, here we are. Thanksgiving is behind us in the States, and today is traditionally Black Friday.

As a former retail worker, I hate everyone who’s shopping today.

But that’s not why we’re here today. If you haven’t guessed or if you’re new, this is my yearly holiday pep talk. Because the holidays are a fantastic magical time of the year, with a whole bunch of buts and unlesses.

But you have to see family you don’t want to see. But you might be missing people you can’t see. But you might be the person in your house who makes the holidays happen and that’s a lot of pressure.

Unless you find yourself alone. Unless you’re sick. Unless you have negative memories attached to the holiday. Unless you’re too broke to celebrate the way everyone else appears to be celebrating.

So here, as always, is my holiday pep talk. As always, I need this reminder as much as anyone else.

You deserve to enjoy your holidays

Now, I mean this in two ways. One, you deserve to enjoy whatever holidays you celebrate.

In my house, we celebrate Christmas and Yule. The darling husband has his birthday in December, so that’s a whole thing. And my best friend is Jewish, so I at least need to be aware of when that is and cheer on her celebration.

Whatever you’re celebrating, celebrate it. Celebrate it loud, and post pictures online. Especially if you celebrate something unusual, please tell us about it. There are like fourteen holidays this month spread out over cultures and religions. I want to hear about yours.

But when I say enjoy your holidays, I also mean that you should celebrate too. You’re probably spending a lot of time right now making the holidays perfect for the people you love. And I get it, I am too. But you deserve to enjoy yourself too. You deserve a nice holiday season. You deserve to get a gift you want, eat the holiday food you like, and take some time to reset. In short, don’t make it all about everyone else. Make it a little bit about you.

Make it look how you want it to look

I am so sick of pink Christmas that I could just vomit on the next cotton candy-colored tree I find. So no, there’s not a single pink ornament in my house. There is also no tinsel. My tree is a hodgepodge of mismatched ornaments collected over the years. Some of them are homemade, some are store-bought. Being a Christian Witch, some of them are pagan. I’ve got a pentagram ornament right next to the Charlie Brown one.

My house is full of handmade decorations, mostly made out of wood and yarn, and that’s exactly how I like it.

Some people like that matchy holiday look. Some people want everything to have a theme. Some people still have all their grandmother’s ornaments. And some people do like the pink Christmas thing.

It doesn’t matter. Make your home look like the holidays to you. It doesn’t have to look like someone’s Instagram influencer fantasy. It just needs to look like your home, exactly how you want it to look.

Make it make sense to you

I am not the only person to ever say this but do not compare your holiday season to those online. Instagram is everyone’s highlight reel. And most of those shots aren’t realistic.

Your holiday needs to make sense to you. It needs to be realistic for the life you live. For instance, a lot of my breakable ornaments are staying in the box this year because we have a new kitten in the house. I work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, so I’m not planning any big meals. We don’t do a lot of baking because the Darling Husband is diabetic and I don’t need to put away a batch of frosted gingerbread cookies myself.

More than once a year.

Make it make sense to you, your family, and your life. The holidays are supposed to be a celebration, not a burden.

You are not alone

Finally, remember that you’re not alone. Everyone is stressing out about the holidays. Everyone thinks they’re not doing enough, not decorating enough, not buying enough gifts, not sending enough cards.

You are doing enough. You’re probably doing too much. And no one feels half as confident about the holidays as they seem.

I hope you have a wonderful holiday season, no matter what you celebrate. I hope that you love every minute you have with your family and friends. I hope that you enjoy every meal you have and that you read a ton of good holiday stories. I hope you watch every special you want to watch and skip all the ones you hate.

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Emotional Support Stories

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At the start of 2023, I was not in a good place. I’m doing better now. It was just a bad case of seasonal depression. But I decided to manage my depression by diving into my emotional support book series. 

Series of Unfortunate Events. 

It’s a long series, I’m still reading it. Currently reading the Grim Grotto. As a side note, you can always follow along with what I’m reading on Goodreads and Bookbub.

All that being said, I wanted to talk a little bit today about emotional support content. It’s been trendy on Instagram recently to share your emotional support content, and I am down for this. As always, I love that people turn to stories in times of darkness. We can always find light between the pages of a book.

Or other mediums, honestly. I have several emotional support shows, like The Good Place, Schitt’s Creek and Futurama. 

So, we already know that good fiction can brighten our lives when we feel dark. But why do we have these specific stories that we come back to over and over again? Wouldn’t a new story be a better distraction? I mean, I know what’s going to happen in every Unfortunate Events book. Can it engage me enough? Wouldn’t it be better to read something new, like finally getting into Sarah Mass or reading Wheel of Time like my husband has been trying to get me to do for years?

I took some time to think about it. While I was thinking, I also paid attention to how I was emotionally reacting to the new content I was consuming. And I realized something. Certain stories were making me sad because they reminded me of some of the very real traumatic events in my past. Things that are still hurting me today.

Yes, I could avoid content that might trigger these memories. Except, sorry to say, trigger warnings don’t work with trauma. Because you don’t always know what’s going to trigger your trauma.

Some things are clearly going to be impactful. I knew going in that things like Stephen King’s The Outsider was going to be upsetting. I did not expect a random episode of Agents of Shield to trigger me. I knew Inside Out was probably going to be hard. Didn’t expect Encanto to make me bawl. 

A story doesn’t have to directly relate to the cause of your trauma to remind you of your trauma. So, unfortunatly, any piece of content could potentially upset someone.

Okay, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop reading, watching or listening to new things. I love new stories. And realistically, we are never going to live in a world where we are completely safe from memories of our past. I personally don’t think we should even try to, because I’m a big believer in shadow work and healing from my past.

But that work, my friends, is exhausting! And we cannot, should not do it all the time. So yes, there are times when we should fall back on our emotional support series. 

I know how I’m emotionally going to respond to Unfortunate Events. There are no surprise triggers waiting for me. I can enjoy a story and give my emotions a rest. 

Emotional support content doesn’t need to be uplifting or happy. Though my shows certainly are. The only requirements are as follows. 

You’ve experienced the story before.

You know that your emotional reaction to this story will be positive. 

So please, if you have a friend who is watching Parks and Rec for the fifteenth time, don’t judge them. They might just need a break. 

I would love to know what your emotional support content is. Please let us know in the comments. 

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