Writing when someone you love is ill

I didn’t mean for this post to be late today, but it does kind of fit into the theme.

My husband has several chronic illnesses. I don’t want to go into details because that’s not my story to tell. Suffice it to say that caring for his health is a full-time job for him and a part-time job for me.

If you’ll recall, I also have a full-time job, as well as trying my damndest to have a writing career.

Having a partner with chronic illness is a journey. It’s difficult to watch someone you love suffer. It’s terrifying to come close to losing them. It’s hard to make plans for the day, let alone the future when you just have no way of knowing how their health is going to be from day to day. Some days he’s fine, some days he can’t get out of bed. Some days he goes to the hospital.

There are countless books and blogs about living with a partner with a chronic illness. That’s not what I’m here today to talk about, that’s way out of my lane. What I do want to talk about is maintaining a creative career while caring for a loved one with a chronic illness. Because it’s what I’ve been doing for almost ten years now.

You do not have to keep writing for an audience

Let’s just get this out of the way first. If you don’t want to keep writing for anyone but yourself. I don’t care if you are in the middle of a series. I don’t care if people are waiting with bated breath on the cliffhanger of a lifetime. I don’t care if you’re Stephen King. If Tabitha King suddenly took a nose dive health wise I would light a candle for her and expect to never see another King book.

The people you love will always be more important than any success you might find in this world. If you don’t have the physical or mental bandwidth to create for days, weeks, or even years at a time, that is okay. You don’t owe your art to anyone. Everything else in this post is for people who want to keep going.

Don’t feel guilty

That being said, you do not need to feel guilty if you want to keep writing. My writing career has gotten me through some very dark moments. Having work that I was passionate about has given me something to focus on when I felt useless. It gives me something that is for me. And we all deserve something that is for us. We all need something that is for us.

Be realistic about how much you can take on.

I might seem like the worst person to talk about this. I’m working on a sci-fi series, a podcast series, multiple short stories, writing for this blog, and writing reviews on Haunted MTL. And yes, sometimes that is too much. That’s why this post came out in the afternoon instead of in the morning.

But let’s be fair, there’s always more I could be doing. Things I’d like to do. I’d like to create audiobooks. I’d like to write a serialized story on Wattpad. I’d like to make a true crime podcast series, enter more contests, write more short stories, do more micro-fiction on social media. I want to do so much more than I realistically can do.

Here’s what I suggest. Make a list of everything you want to do. All the projects you would love to work on. Take your time.

Then, list all of your projects from the ones you most want to do to the least.

I keep a whole list on Notion at all times. Sometimes projects drop off the list, and sometimes more get added. But I’m always putting my energy on the top priorities of that list. So if I can only get one thing done, it’s at least the most important thing.

Learn to write in strange places

I am so blessed to have an office in my home. I use it to work from home and write my stories and I love it. It’s bursting with light, colors, art and books. I have ample desk space, a comfortable chair and a place for all my pens.

I don’t always get to write there, though. I have gotten very good at writing in waiting rooms and hospitals. I have written in a notebook balanced on my knees in an uncomfortable plastic chair. I have written on my laptop, sitting on an emergency room couch and trying not to think of what sort of fluids that couch might contain. I’ve written in cafeterias, on patios, with bad cups of coffee and the same Lipton tea every hospital seems to have.

Because of this, I’ve always kept a writer’s bag. I can do an updated post about this if you’d like. I don’t go anywhere without a notebook and pen. Even if I don’t know I’m going to be stuck somewhere for a time and might as well do some writing, I might suddenly get stuck somewhere and be inspired to write a little short fiction.

Be flexible

This one sort of goes along with the last piece of advice.

When you’re dealing with a chronic illness, things cannot always go to plan. This is true for most of us anyway. Washing machines break. People call off at work so you have to go cover for them. The power goes out. The internet goes out. People with chronic illness and their families aren’t immune to these things. We just have that extra hurdle of health to consider. I might be right on pace to meet a deadline, or get a blog post out in time, and suddenly get waylaid because a health concern took precedence.

This is why it’s important to under-promise when it comes to deadlines. Whether you’re working with a publisher or just setting a deadline of your own. If you think something’s going to take a week, plan for two. Trust me, no one is ever angry that you beat a deadline.

You have to be ready for your day to not look how you expected it to look, and roll with it. Trust me, I hate this. This is not where I thrive. I thrive when everything happens exactly how my Google calendar says it’s supposed to happen. I am mentally prepared for that, I have supplies and snacks for that. But we don’t always get to live the day we planned for. We have to live the day we have.

I have a lot more to say about this topic, but we’re running long as it is and this post is late as it is. So I’ll be doing part two next week. See you then.

Paper Beats World is a labor of love. If you love what we do here, please like and share this post. You can also support us financially on Ko-fi.

Man in The Woods is now available on Smashwords and almost everywhere!

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Man in The Woods is now available Wide!

Today is the day. Man in The Woods is now available on Smashwords, and most other book platforms! 

Hurray! 

Having my books available to as many people as possible is very important to me. And I know this one took some time, but I am so glad to see Man in The Woods no longer bound to one place. 

And, the timing couldn’t be better. Because, in case you missed it on my social media, Smashwords is currently having its Summer Sale. And yes, Man in The Woods is included. 

I hope that you get a chance to get your hands on Man in The Woods, my eerie little woods story. This story was so important to me, and I love seeing other people enjoy it. 

And by the way, this isn’t the last launch of 2024. Stay tuned, I have a lot of exciting things on the way.

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Are you reading right?

You’re reading wrong. You’re not doing it right.

That’s the message I get often on social media. Especially Bookstagram. I have such a hate/love relationship with Bookstagram. I can feast my eyes for way too long on these gorgeous pictures of new hardcovers set next to luxurious steaming cups of coffee, shelves full of expensive editions and books with colored edges, and a fluffy chair just waiting for a lucky reader to spend hours in a fantastical world. Oh, and there are usually super cute girls with big swords and perfect manicures.

Of course, it’s not just social media that makes me feel like my reading is inferior. I just finished attending Nebula Con a few weeks ago. And it was a fantastic experience. I came away with so much knowledge and writing inspiration. I also came away feeling like a dipshit who eats crayons regarding my reading choices. It seems like everyone else is reading large, important, influential works while I’m over here reading young adult fiction most of the time. And I can’t even do that right. I never seem to like the popular thing. I’ve never read a single Sarah J. Mass book, for instance. And as a child, I hated A Wrinkle in Time.

I still don’t like it.

All of this is to say that I have been feeling down on myself for the books I read. And really, the way I consume stories in general. Because frankly, I watch a lot of TV and movies. I listen to a lot of podcast fiction. I even, gasp, read comic books. The amount of time I spend sitting down and reading is small compared to the time I spend doing almost anything else.

I am not the only one who gets down on myself for this, I’m sure. So, I’m here to ask all of us a simple question today.

What in the hell are we doing to ourselves?

I didn’t start to love reading as a child because I loved bookshelves and proving I was smarter than everyone else because I finished a long and difficult book. I wasn’t the little asshole reading Anna Karenina during recess. I was reading Goosebumps, Bunnicula, Babysitter’s Club, Laura Ingles, and Sweet Valley High (my mom had them and I was bored one summer). I read Calvin and Hobbs, Far Side, Harry Potter, every Roald Dahl book, and Power Rangers. Lest you think it was all fluff, I also read Tuck Everlasting, Bridge to Terabithia and Where The Red Fern Grows, Chronicles of Narnia and Dragon Riders of Pern. I didn’t read these books to impress anyone. I read them because they were fun to read. And reading for fun shaped a lot of who I am as an adult.

I don’t want to lose that love of reading for fun. And I don’t want you to either. So today I want to answer four questions you might be asking yourself about your reading habits. Starting with the biggest one.

Am I reading enough?

I get it. I like numbers that go up too. I like feeling challenged, and I sure do the Goodreads goal every single year. But I do that mostly so I feel like I’m accomplishing something when I’m reading, otherwise I find it hard to relax and actually allow myself to read.

Otherwise, I feel like I’m just slacking if I’m not reading something educational or reviewing it. And this, I think, is the true curse of adulthood. We feel like we must be productive in all things.

But we don’t. And we certainly don’t have to speed read through 100 books in a year to prove that we are well-read. First off, when would you find the time? We all have work or school. We’re all trying to survive in this late-stage capitalist hellscape. Most of us are taking care of other people as well as ourselves. And it would be nice if we saw the sun sometimes.

If your goal is quantity, not quality, you’re going to have a shitty reading experience. You’re going to shy away from longer books because they’ll take too much time. You’ll be skimming, not consuming the stories. And that’s just not fun.

I want to read The Stand and enjoy the gory, dark tale without worrying if I can still finish five books this month. I want to dive into a book and experience it, even if that means I don’t get through more than a chapter a day. And I want to continue to eat food, so I do have to do actual work sometimes.

So if a reading goal helps you give yourself space to read, that’s fantastic. But don’t let it consume your reading joy. Don’t let it make reading just another burden.

Am I reading the right books?

Let me tell you a tale of two books. One is This is How You Lose The Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone. The other is Light from Uncommon Stars by Ryka Aoki. Both won Nebula awards. Both came highly recommended by other SFWA writers. Both were getting a ton of love online.

I read Time War in a day. Granted, it was a novella, but still. It was fantastic. I’ve never read anything like it.

I didn’t finish Light from Uncommon Stars. It seems like a good book, but the story wasn’t grabbing me. I found myself making excuses not to read, which is always a kiss of death.

I think my dislike of the book stemmed from the romantic plot. While I like a little romance, it bores me quickly if there isn’t something else to catch my attention. And for me, there was too much romance and not enough sci-fi in this sci-fi story.

I think a lot of us feel like we aren’t reading the right books. We don’t know the classics. We aren’t reading the right authors. We aren’t reading things that are challenging enough, impressive enough, or thought-provoking enough.

My problem with this is that nothing is going to be thought-provoking if you’re not provoked to read the damn thing.

Yes, we should read out of our comfort zone. We should read indie books, books that we’ve never heard of before. Books that everyone’s talking about and books from authors no one recognizes. We should certainly read books by people who don’t look like us. We should read old books and new books. We should read banned books. We should read books we might not even agree with.

But just because you try a book doesn’t mean you have to finish it.

Stephen King gives an example in Hearts in Atlantis. Reading a book is like priming a water pump. You have to give it some work before it kicks in, but you wouldn’t keep pumping if nothing is coming out. He suggests getting ten percent of the way through a book. At that point, you can give it up if you don’t like it. My latest book is 250 pages. If I don’t have your attention by page 25, then the story isn’t for you. And that’s fine!

We all have different tastes. We should absolutely try new things and expand our pallets. But just because you try something doesn’t mean you have to finish it.

Am I consuming stories the right way?

This is the one that upsets me the most if I’m being honest. I cannot stand it when people put down movies and TV shows. Granted, some are hot garbage. But so are some novels. I don’t think someone who reads Twilight is intellectually superior to someone who watches Dr. Who, for instance.

Stories are stories, no matter how we tell them. TV and movies are just another medium. The same goes for comic books. I started this year reading Bone, and it was a good time.

The worst thing I’ve seen, though, is people who put down audiobooks as being somehow inferior. First off, that’s a privileged argument. Not everyone can read a physical book for many reasons. Vision issues, certain neurodivergent problems and physical health can all be boundaries to people reading. But it could also be a lack of time. I can listen to a book while I’m cleaning, cooking, or walking Oliver. All of these are things I have to do, so I can consume a story while I do it. I am not choosing to listen to an audiobook over reading, I am doing what I have space for in my life.

(And yes, before anyone points this out, I know that my books aren’t yet available as audiobooks. It’s expensive and time-consuming and I am working on it. As much as I want to provide my stories to people who can’t read a physical book, I also need to make sure that I’m creating a quality product that I’m proud of, paying people for their time and talent, and not overworking myself in the process. There’s a reason most indie books don’t come in audiobook form.)

This post has already gone on long enough, so let me finally answer the question we came in on. Are you reading right? Well, if you’re enjoying the story then the answer is, and will always be, yes. Don’t let anyone tell you any different. Not even yourself.

Paper Beats World is a labor of love. If you love what we do here, please like and share this post. You can also support us financially on Ko-fi.

Man in The Woods is now available on Smashwords and almost everywhere!

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The best books I’ve read in 2024 (so far)

June is nearly done, and we’re heading into the second half of 2024. Somehow I’m not as excited about the latter months as I normally am. It’s almost like something is lurking in November that’s going to suck a whole lot of emotional energy out of my life and cause a bunch of stress.

Strange.

But we don’t have to talk about that today. Today, I want to shine a spotlight on the best books I’ve read this year so far. Sadly, I haven’t read as much as I would have liked. But what I’ve lacked in quantity I have made up for in quality. I have read some very, very good books so far in 2024.

As always, this list is set up from number ten to number one. Some are fiction, some are nonfiction. All were well worth a read.

You Like It Darker by Stephen King

You know this is going to be a good list when the last one, the one that barely got in, is the Stephen King book.

I did a whole review of this book on Haunted MTL so I won’t rehash that here. Suffice it to say, this short collection was great. My favorite story was Danny Coughlin’s Bad Dream. It was fantastic.

Ghost Hunters by Ed and Lorraine Warren

This was a fascinating read. The Warrens discuss some of their best-known cases clinically and insightfully. I learned a lot.

The Mighty Goddess by Sally Pomme Clayton and Sophie Herxheimer

This book told some fantastic stories about goddesses. Some I’d heard of before. Some I am very familiar with. Some I’d never heard of before. If mythology and deities are a passion for you, this book is a must-read.

Undoctored by Adam Kay

This is a follow-up to a book we’ll be talking about later in this post. If you haven’t heard of him, and you haven’t read my Christmas Books That Aren’t Romance series, Adam Kay was a doctor in the UK. Now he writes about why he is no longer a doctor in the UK, among other things. This book is a collection of stories about his life as a doctor, and his life after leaving. It is funny, but it’s also incredibly dark. Be warned.

Art Magick by Molly Roberts

This isn’t the sort of book you read cover to cover. It’s a collection of art spells, most of which I’ve completed.

If you are a witch, or just artsy, get this book. The crafts are accessible and fun. The art in the book is so colorful and fantastic. I love everything about this book.

Rift by Cait West

Escaping from a high-demand religion is something I understand. But I had it easy. Cait had it far worse. Her father was a pastor, and she was forced into a special form of purgatory known as being a stay-at-home daughter. Everything in Cait’s life was controlled by her father. This book was harrowing, but it was also inspiring. It seems to say that you can get out. You can live how you want to live. I loved that.

This is going to hurt by Adam Kay

See, I told you we’d get there. This is Going to Hurt is the first book by Adam Kay. It’s a sometimes lighthearted, sometimes dark, always funny look at being a doctor in the UK. I learned some things I didn’t want to know. I heard some stories that stuck with me. I also heard some stories of things being stuck in the human body that should never have been there.

Bone by Jeff Smith

I’ve read Bone before, but it’s been a while. If it’s been a while for you, please go and read it today. It’s a good thing to read in the summer.

Bone, if you haven’t read it, is a wonderful story of an unlikely hero, a hidden princess and dragons. It’s everything you want in a good story. The artwork is funny to look at, and beautiful at the same time.

The Hacienda by Isabel Canas

This book was sold as a cross between Rebecca and Mexican Gothic. This was catnip to me. Realizing one of the main characters was a Catholic priest and a witch was just homemade buttercream icing on the cake.

I did a whole post about why this book works, so I won’t take a lot of time here. But it was a fantastic book that blended a great haunted house story with a sweepingly beautiful picture of Mexico. If you haven’t read it, go read it.

Mister Magic by Kiersten White

This is, by far, the best book I read this year. And it kind of wrecked me for like a month after I read it.

I reviewed this book on Haunted MTL, so again I don’t want to rehash that here. But the clear analogy, like smack you in the face clear, to the religion I was raised in, was almost too much. I bawled while reading this book. If you are healing from the LDS church specifically, but any high control group in general, this book might help you heal. Or it might point out how much healing you have left to do. For me, it did both.

But it’s also a fantastic story. The tale of a group of child stars coming back together for a reunion and recovering not just their scars but also their deep and pure friendships is touching and terrifying. Overall, this is the kind of book I want to be writing. It was perfect.

So that’s it for today. These are the books I have enjoyed the most this year. Will any of them be on my end-of-the-year roundup? Only time will tell.

What is your favorite book that you’ve read this year? Let us know in the comments.

Paper Beats World is a labor of love. If you love what we do here, please like and share this post. You can also support us financially on Ko-fi.

Man in The Woods is now available for preorder on Smashwords!

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What I’m reading this Summer

It is summertime, and I hate it. I hate this season so much. It is too hot, it gets dark too late, light too early, and everyone is outside. So going to the park with Oliver, or to do witchy things, or to just read, is a miserable experience right now. My electric bill is through the roof, and I cannot bake anything without wanting to die.

So I might as well stay inside and read.

Here’s what I intend to read this Summer. Some of these books are ones I failed to read in Winter and Spring. Some are witchy books. Some are writing books. Some are coming out this Summer and some have been around for a while.

Will I get to them all? Probably not. I might get distracted and re-read From a Buick 8 for the seventh time. But I am sure as hell going to try.

Rainbow Magic by Molly Roberts

This book isn’t the sort that you sit down and read through. It’s a project book. And I am excited to get started on these projects. Expect lots of color projects shared on Instagram and some color-inspired poetry. Everything Roberts does makes me want to just explode with creativity. She makes me want to be a better, messier, happier witch and writer.

Inspiring Creativity by Astrea Taylor

This book was recommended to me because of my love of Molly Roberts. So, I thought I’d check it out. It is another book about ritualizing your art. I’m very excited to read it.

A Rather Haunted Life by Ruth Franklin

I’m a big Shirley Jackson fan, if you can’t tell my constant Haunting of Hill House references. So I am excited to learn more about her life. Though, based on what I already know about her life, this isn’t likely to be a light read. But I think it’ll be a good one.

Welcome to Night Vale by Joseph Fink

You might be surprised to know that I’ve never listened to the Welcome to Night Vale podcast. It’s on my list but there are so. Many. Episodes! And I am not the sort of person who can just listen to the recommended ones, I have to read them all. But, this book seems like a good introduction to the world. And, Joseph Fink wrote Alice isn’t Dead, which was a fantastic podcast and book. So this one should be right up my creepy little ally.

Stardust by Neil Gaiman

It wouldn’t be a book list from me if I didn’t have some Gaiman on it. This one is apparently about the faie, so Summer seems the best time to read it.

Grimoire of the Thornblooded Witch by Raven Grimassi

This book comes highly recommended by people with good taste. It seems to be about Earth magic, but I haven’t cracked into it yet so I don’t know.

Two Sides to Every Murder by Danielle Valentine

Valentine is becoming a buy-on-sight author for me. She wrote How to Survive Your Murder and Delicate Condition, both of which were fantastic. This book comes out near the end of the month, and I am stoked to read it. Watch Haunted MTL for the review.

The Seventh Veil of Salome by Sylvia Moreno-Garcia

It’s becoming a Summer tradition, me and the newest release for Moreno-Garcia. Last year it was Silver Nitrate, the year before it was The Daughter of Dr. Moreau. This one is about a dark history and Hollywood in the 1950s. I cannot wait.

The Gunslinger by Stephen King

It also wouldn’t be a book list from me without an inclusion from the King. And this might surprise you, but I’ve never read any of The Gunslinger series. But it’s referenced in Hearts in Atlantis and From a Buick 8. And I loved both of those books. Actually, I think it would be easier to list the King books I haven’t liked. So I’m going to give this a try.

Where The Gods Left Off by Sara Raztresen

If it wasn’t already obvious, I am a Christian Witch. And I am not the only one. There are dozens of us. Dozens!

Raztresen is a great educator. I haven’t read any of her books yet, but I watch her YouTube videos and follow her on Instagram. I am eager to see how much knowledge she has to give in print form.

Six Wakes by Mur Lafferty

I meant to read this at the start of the year, but I have been having a hard time finding it. But it seems like a great sci-fi murder mystery. And, of course, I love Mur Lafferty.

Let The Whole Thundering World Come Home by Natalie Goldberg

I have read so many of Goldberg’s books, and every one just feels like a hug. Her writing style is so gorgeous, showing the beauty and sorrow of everyday moments.

Now I want to hear from you. What are you reading? What’s on your Summer Reading List? Do you want to yell at me for hating Summer? Let me know in the comments.

Paper Beats World is a labor of love. If you love what we do here, please like and share this post. You can also support us financially on Ko-fi.

Man in The Woods is now available for preorder on Smashwords!

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Man in The Woods is going wide!

If you’ll recall, last year I got the rights back to a whole bunch of my books. I immediately set about relaunching the works myself, starting with my eerie short haunted woods story, Man in The Woods.

This is a great story if you hate those massive planned neighborhoods that seem to pop up like fungus. It’s a great story if you’ve ever thought you saw someone standing in the woods when there shouldn’t have been anybody there.

It’s a great story if you like things that sing in the night with malicious intent.

Until now, it hasn’t been a story for anyone who doesn’t like shopping on Amazon. But on July 5th, that’s going to change. Because The Man in The Woods is going wide.

The story will be available on all major retailers, including Barnes & Noble, Smashwords, and the Google Play store. It might even soon be available on Hoopla, though I have to confirm that.

I’m so excited my spooky little story will be available to everyone on July 5th. And if you haven’t had a chance to read it already, I look forward to you meeting the Man in The Woods.

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Trans speculative fiction writers to follow

It’s Pride Month! At least I think it still is. I was once again sick during Nebula Con. Don’t know what deity I pissed off that this happened two years in a row but I’m sorry already! As if that wasn’t bad enough, I was also sick on my birthday. So for the first nine days of Pride, Nebula Con, and my 38th birthday I was sleeping or suffering.

But I survived! I’m here now, full of new story ideas and bisexual pride. So let’s get the rainbow rolling!

I am blessed in my life to know many LGBTQ+ people. And I’m always overjoyed to talk about the writers I’ve loved who happen to be gay. But I realized recently that I don’t know of a lot of work written by trans writers. Which is strange, because I know two trans authors. One has been a friend for years, and the other is a mutual in SFWA that I am in constant awe of.

So, why am I not reading more speculative fiction written by trans writers? Possibly because I’ve been reading the same four authors almost exclusively for a few years now. This is an issue and I need to work on it. To help, I’ve found five trans authors who are writing great work. Some are novelists. Some are critics. Some I know personally and some I just wish I did. All of them are great writers out there living their true lives.

Foz Meadows

Meadows is the author of The Accident of Stars and A Tyranny of Queens. A glance through their website confirms that they have wonderful taste in webcomics. They’ve been published everywhere I want to be published. I cannot wait to dig into their work, because it looks fantastic.

J.M Brannyk

Brannyk is an opinion writer, artist, and critic. Their work can be found on HauntedMTL, Gayley Dreadful, and many other places. They’re also a fantastic voice actor, playing Rose in my sci-fi horror podcast, AA.

Brannyk is funny, insightful, and eloquent. While they don’t write speculative fiction, their grasp of the form is clear in their critical reviews. And I’ve never read anything by them that wasn’t funny as hell.

Jordy Rosenberg

Jordy Rosenberg wrote Confessions of The Fox, a book I cannot wait to get my hands on. He’s also an associate professor and is often published in places like The New York Times and The Boston Review. Overall, he is a way more professional writer than me and I am intimidated.

Jordan Kurella

Author of the novella I Never Liked You Anyway, Jordan Kurella is an amazing speculative fiction writer. His short work is found in Apex and Lightspeed. He was a panelist at Nebula Con this year. I’ve never read one of Jordan’s stories that wasn’t funny and fantastic. Ten out of ten, every time.

Kit Mayquist

Kit Mayquist is the author of Tripping Arcadia. And anything that’s described as a gothic novel is going to be right up my alley. It’s also been compared favorably to Mexican Gothic, which you know is one of my favorite modern horror novels.

Kit has also been published in Writers Digest, which has been a dream of mine since I was thirteen years old. I also get some witchy vibes from his Instagram photos. So clearly, I want to be his best friend.

My TBR list is getting bigger, better, and more diverse, and I cannot be happier about that. But of course, these were only five trans writers. I know this is a world of fiction that I am just starting to explore. So please let me know in the comments some trans writers you love.

Paper Beats World is a labor of love. If you want to support what we do here, please like this post and share it. You can also support us financially on Ko-fi.

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Deconstructing is a journey, part two

Last week, we talked at length about religious deconstruction, and how I’ve been healing from growing up in a high control control patriarchal church. Specifically, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Today, I’d like to talk about some specific steps I’ve been taking to heal.

Again, I do want to say that I am not a therapist. I am not a mental health specialist of any sort and nothing I say should be taken as mental health advice. This is simply what helped me.

Unlearning damaging coping mechanisms

Sometimes when we’re hurting, we can lash out at people and things that didn’t hurt us. This is how I was for a long time. I was furious, at anything that tasted a little too much like domestic arts or femininity. I had been put in a box because of my gender, I never wanted to do that to myself again. And so things like home craft, even though I genuinely enjoy aspects of home craft, were things I wanted to avoid. I would be damned if I would make a pot roast or casserole.

Turns out, I like making pot roasts and casseroles. I also like makeup, and doing my nails. As I’ve leaned into my witchcraft journey, I’ve discovered joy and power in home care.

I can like these things if I want to, and it doesn’t make me less of a feminist. It doesn’t mean I only like these things because I was taught to like them. I like them because I derive actual satisfaction from caring for my home and having cute nails.

Educating myself

It should surprise no one that when you’re in a high control group you don’t know a lot of the real history of the organization. Most of these groups have a vested interest in making sure their followers don’t understand the actual messed up shit in their past. This was true for me and the LDS church.

So I’ve recently been doing a lot of research and reading on the history of the church. I’ve been following Jordan and McKay on YouTube. I read American Zion by Benjamin Park. So far, everything I’ve learned has made me happier that I left.

Sun is the best disinfectant. If you’re deconstructing, pull everything about your former organization out and see what it looks like in the light of day.

Taking the good, leaving behind the bad

There are things that LDS members are taught that are good. As a former member, I can tell you that there’s some good advice.

Family home evening is a great thing. We should all strive to have at least one night a week that is just for family time.

Food storage is a great thing. It’s a good idea to have some nonperishable food tucked away. A bad storm might hit and you won’t be able to leave your house. Maybe your car will break down, or you’ll lose your job. Or maybe you’ll just run up against a deadline and can’t make it out to do the shopping. Having extra food in the house in case of emergency is smart.

I could probably list off a bunch of other good lessons I learned from the LDS church.

This is not an all-or-nothing situation. I can take the good and leave the bad. This is related to the last point I made. I can take pride in keeping a good food pantry while still being a feminist. I can focus on my family without surrendering my career. Just because some of it is good doesn’t mean it’s all good, and just because some of it’s bad doesn’t mean the whole lot of it is poisoned.

Understanding that my pain is valid

This is maybe the most important part of my healing. For a long time, I behaved as though I didn’t need to heal from my childhood in the LDS church.

As mentioned in my last post, I was never abused within the church. Are there people abused in the church? Of course. But I wasn’t a victim of that. So what in the hell was I complaining about?

It took me years to realize that yes, I was hurt by the church. And just because others were hurt worse doesn’t mean I can’t have space to heal as well.

Pain is pain. Abuse is abuse, and trauma is trauma. I was hurt by the LDS church. I am entitled to take time to heal from that.

So why am I talking about this? Because frankly, I’m pissed off about the state of the world right now. I have spent so long, and worked so hard, to heal from the mental abuse heaped on me by organized religion. I have often felt like this is a deep hole that I am still climbing my way out of. It is painful. And when I hear things like the backward, self-serving, and selfish speech of Harrison Butker, it means one thing to me. It’s more women and men being shoved right into that hole I am still escaping from.

I cannot stand seeing people suffering in the name of God. I am a Christian, and the God that I know is one of love. They want us to be happy and fulfilled. They do not ask us to suffer in Their name. They do not want us to shove ourselves into a round hole if we’re a square peg. They want us to stand up and be exactly who and what They made us.

God made me a bisexual woman who loves witchcraft, writing, coffee, candles, cats, and ghost stories. They allowed me to see the beauty in the shadows, the light in dark places. And I will be damned if I’ll sit quietly and let the God that I love be lied about in this way. So just in case I haven’t made this clear, let me say it out loud.

God doesn’t care if you’re a homemaker, stockbroker, standup comedian, or heart surgeon. When the time comes for judgment, it won’t be based on what your vocation was. It won’t even be based on what name you called Them, or if you believed in Them at all. The judgment at the end of your life will be on your actions. How did you treat your fellow man? Were you a good steward to the Earth and all of the creatures who live here? Did you comfort the weary and shelter the weak?

And when someone tried to make someone feel like shit in Their name, did you say something?

On an unrelated note, there will be no post next week. It is my birthday and Nebula con week and I’ll be focusing on fun times, writing community, and learning. But I’ll be back on June 14th. See you then.

Paper Beats World is a labor of love. If you love what I do here, please like this post and share it. And if you’d like to support the site financially, you can do so on Ko-fi.

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My deconstructing journey, part one

I planned on writing this post for weeks now. The fact that a certain kicker for a certain football team decided to shoot his mouth off is coincidental.

Also, this post is going to be very long and this is just part one.

I was raised in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. While this isn’t strictly a cult, it is what’s considered to be a high-control group. I’ve talked at length about my experience with the church, and what it was like to leave it.

Years have passed. I have found a new faith. I don’t have any real relationship with most of my blood family. I have worked hard to build a life where I feel safe and happy.

I thought I was leaving behind all of the hurt and trauma. And for a while, I thought I was doing pretty good. I mean, I didn’t have anything really bad happen to me. I didn’t experience assault in the church. I wasn’t out while in the church, so I never suffered for that. I wasn’t driven to suicidal thoughts.

I mean, sure, I spent my whole childhood being told that women were meant only to be homemakers and helpmeets. Sure, I was told that I didn’t need the priesthood because I had motherhood. And yes, I was taught over and over that my only value to God was based on serving my family as a wife and a mother, leading me to devalue my education to the point that I never went to college and shrinking my view of the future to one, and only one, path.

But no one ever put their hands on me in the church, so what did I have to heal from?

Here’s the thing about thinking you’re okay when you’re not. You’ll be triggered by things when you least expect it. So when you start bawling halfway through a documentary, it’s confusing to you and everyone else in the room. And when you accidentally come upon a book that explicitly discusses the way you were raised baked into an allegory about an old children’s TV show, it wrecks your whole life for a while.

Or for a couple of months.

So I’ve spent a lot of time the last few months actively trying to heal. I’ve been working with a therapist and doing shadow work. And along the way, I’ve learned a few things.

I think at this point it’s important to mention that I am not a therapist or any sort of licensed counselor. I am a woman in her late thirties trying to make sense of her pain and heal from it.

When you’re taught something at a young age, it tends to stick longer. As a child, I was taught that there was one way a family was supposed to look. That there was one way a child of God was supposed to look. Especially if that child of God happened to be female.

Some of these lessons dropped away faster than others. I dropped the Word of Wisdom right away and started drinking coffee and tea.

Man, I love coffee and tea.

But other lessons, like a woman’s place in the world, those were harder to unlearn. Even though I know, logically, that women and men are equal, I still find myself having knee-jerk reactions that are not my thoughts.

Things that are nothing to most people are still daring and impetuous for me. Going to bars and having a drink. Wearing sleeveless shirts and shorts. Watching racey scenes on TV shows and movies.

If these things were crossing a personal moral line for me, that would be one thing. But I find more and more that it’s nothing of the sort. I want to be able to drink (responsibly). I want to wear tank tops because I swear the older I get the worse I handle hot weather.

But enjoying a glass of wine or being comfortable on a hot day is honestly pretty superficial. What I want to talk about is how LDS and other high-control groups are taught to serve others before they care for themselves.

As a child, I learned somewhere that a lot of people don’t consider LDS members to be Christians. I had no idea why, His name is right there in the title. It’s only recently that I realized it’s because most Christians believe that people are saved by God and Jesus’s grace alone. That we were forgiven for our sins before we even committed them. As a Christian Witch, I have faith that this is true.

LDS members don’t believe that. They believe that we are saved not by grace but by our works. How we serve our fellow man on Earth.

On the one hand, serving others is great! We should all spend at least some time considering how we can make life better for other people. That’s just a good thing to do. The problem comes when you’re taught to give when you have nothing to give. When you don’t have the money, don’t have the time, don’t have the energy or the spoons. When you have nothing of yourself to spare and nothing for yourself. When caring for yourself feels selfish.

That’s when the guilt sets in. When we are taught that we are not worthy of God’s love unless we are sacrificing all of ourselves in His name. When we do good works not for the love of our fellow man, but to score Heaven points.

This is a damaging way to look at the world. And it certainly damaged me. It’s led to a serious case of burnout that I am just now, maybe healing from. It’s led to a serious feeling that I am not worth anything to anyone unless I am giving something of myself to them.

I’m sure that the LDS church isn’t the only one to do this. And I’m sure that a lot of people need to hear this. So I’m going to say it here. You do not need to be giving other people of yourself to be worthy of love. You don’t need to be producing anything. You don’t need to be constantly running.

You deserve love. You deserve good food, good sleep, and good cups of coffee. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to take time for yourself and just do things that make you happy.

I have more tips about deconstructing, but we’re over a thousand words already. So stay tuned for part two next week. For now, please take this away. You do not have to do anything at all to deserve love. Once you can hold onto that, everything else gets better.

Paper Beats World is a labor of love. If you love what we do here, please like and share this post. You can also support us on Ko-fi.

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It’s Nova’s Launch Day!

The time has come! Nova, book five of Station 86 is available now on Amazon in both e-book and physical!

This book took me so long to write, and took such a wild, winding path. I am truly humbled by everyone who read this book already when it was posted here. And I hope that everyone who gets the book loves it as much as I loved writing it.

And if you’ve never read any of the Station 86 books, don’t forget that you can get book one, Seeming, for free on Smashwords.

Thank you all again for reading, for showing up here, and for supporting the work I do. You truly are the reason I keep showing up every week and at my desk every day.

And yes, book six is coming.

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