Today’s Prompt: We all have anxieties, worries, and fears. What are you scared of? Address one of your worst fears.
My worst fear used to be spiders. I don’t like them, they skitter. These days, though, my worst nightmare is something terrible happening to my daughters. More specifically, something happening to my daughters, and it being my fault.
Wouldn’t that be the worst? Like it wouldn’t be bad enough that my child was gone, but having to live with the fact that I did it for the rest of my life.
Fortunately, my kids have been pretty safe. Even so, I was a typical scared mommy for the first few years. I remember one time my older daughter sprayed cleaner in her mouth. I had a panic attack, and called the poison control center, who’s number I had on every single bottle in the house. “Alright, Ma’am, what kind of cleaner was it?” the very calm lady asked me. (And God bless her. Can you imagine having that job? I wonder how many lives she helps save every day, but you know there’s the one that haunts her.) “Um,” I replied, “Clorox Green Works.”
“Isn’t that just orange oil, and some acids?” the lady asked.
“Yes,” I replied.
“snort. Okay, have her drink some water, and keep an eye out for vomiting. Have a nice day.” So yeah, let’s here it for all natural cleaners.
I calmed down a lot, enough that when my older one rolled down a flight of stairs in her winter coat, I managed to stay calm long enough to realize she was just fine. The coat cushioned her, and she didn’t even have a bruise. She wanted to do it again.
When I first started hanging out with my husband, it amazed me how protective he was over our younger girl. He babied her, and was constantly telling her not to do things because it was too dangerous. He got over it eventually, but it took him longer.
Even so, that fear is there. Are they okay playing outside alone? Should I let her read that book? Who is she e-mailing, has she e-mailed them too much? Who is calling her? What’s going on when my girls aren’t in my line of sight? There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t have at least one moment of worry over one of my girls.
It will never end, that’s the thing. The girls will grow up, and then my real worry will start. What are they doing in college? Are they working too hard, too little? Are they seeing someone who will be good to them, and are they being good girlfriends? What about when they get married? Have I taught them enough to be good wives? Are their spouses being good to them? What about their babies? Are they good mommies? Are they taking time to take care of themselves? They won’t tell me, I know. How am I supposed to know if there’s a nervous breakdown just a second away from that smile?
My fears will never end. I will always be afraid for my daughters. Goes with the territory, I guess. Got to say, spiders don’t bother me much anymore.