Women Hurting Women


This post could be sub titled, let me take a break from talking about writing to complain about something that pisses me off almost every day.


Women uphold what we refer to as ‘the patriarchy’ more than any man I have ever seen.


This post could also be sub titled, “Let me piss off some people who don’t want to hear this.”


Don’t believe me? Think about it. When was the last time a man told you that you couldn’t do something? When was the last time a random guy you didn’t know made you feel judged?


When was the last time a woman did that to you?


Women, we are way too quick to judge other women. What we wear, what we do for a living, how we raise our kids, if we even chose to have them! And we are really good at inventing new ways to do it, too.


Skinny/fat shaming


I am neither skinny, nor fat, so I used to keep out of that whole mess, until I realized a rather nasty fact. There are some who do consider me fat. And I know who they are, because they make a point of letting me know that I’m fat, but that it’s okay. As though wearing size sixteen jeans is akin to a deformity.


We all know the stereotype. Skinny, thin girls are bitchy, because they don’t get to eat cupcakes like us jolly fat girls. Only dogs like bones and real women have curves too.


See what we’re doing there? We’re being just as catty and judgmental as we perceive thin women to be. Worse is the insinuation that thin girls only do things to impress men. Do you really think that women’s drinking a kale smoothie because she wants some man to think she looks hot? Maybe she just wants to look hot all by herself. Leave her and her kale smoothie alone.


The dreaded Mommy Wars.


Parenting is hard. We are raising people, doing the best we can every day and just pray that they don’t end up serial killers or stoners playing guitar in our basements.


So maybe we should leave each other the hell alone.


I am as bad about this as anyone. Parents who don’t read to their kids, or let them watch Spongebob, let them drink soda, listen to Kesha, all of these are parents who I hate. Women who tell little boys that they should let the girls go first because that’s what gentlemen do, I hate you.


But it is none of my damned business when it comes to your family. It’s none of anybody’s business. My kids, my family works because of the decisions that my husband and I make. I’m sure the same can be said for you. (My one exception is vaccinations. Please vaccinate your kids, so that all of our kids die.)


It’s also none of anyone’s business whether a woman has kids or not. We don’t do assume men will eventually have kids, do we? No guy’s ever heard his mom tell him about his biological clock. There’s no rush to marriage, or at least not nearly so early in a man’s life. I know a lot of people have said this, but I don’t think some people heard, so can I say it louder? Not every woman wants to have kids!


Slut shaming/ burqas/ what we chose to wear.


Full disclosure, I used to be really bad at this. I’m working to be a better person, I am. There was a time when I could not shut my mouth about women who were dressed ‘slutty.’ They were terrible, they obviously didn’t like themselves that much, and they behaved as though they had nothing to offer the world besides their bodies.


I have no idea what the hell makes me think I have got any right to judge these other women.


I don’t know why any of us have a right to judge another woman’s appearance. What we wear, or don’t, how much makeup we wear, or don’t. How we chose to express our faiths, or not. If she’s over eighteen, it’s no ones business.


Opening our mouths in front of our kids


What don’t you like about your appearance? For those of you with daughters, do you talk about it in front of them? If you’re having a fat day, or eat too much, or hate how you look without makeup. “Don’t take pictures of me yet, I’m ugly!” we yell in front of them. “I can’t believe I had all that. I’m such a cow.”

“Ugh, look at those crows feet.”

“This dress fit a few months ago, I’m so fat!”

“I can’t stand how red I look.”


I guess a lot of us forget this, but our kids think we are perfect, at least for a little while. Girls look to their moms for an example of how women are supposed to act. We’re teaching them, as women, that we hate ourselves.


They should hate themselves, too. That’s what they hear. We hate ourselves, and they should too.

That, I really think, is the core of this. We don’t like ourselves. We are taught at a young age that we shouldn’t like ourselves. We are taught, by our mothers, to be hypercritical of everything so that we can be better. We want to be faster, smarter, more beautiful, and those are admirable things. I want to be smarter, I want to be better. But I am done making myself feel bad about who I am right now. I am a pretty cool person. So are you, man or woman.


If you’re running marathons or eating Oreos, running carpool or running a business, hitting Sephora or hitting Staples, you’re cool. If you’re being nice to people, and you like how you spent your day, go you. You should keep doing just what you’re doing, girl or guy. You should let other women do the same.


Stop holding up the patriarchy, ladies, and let your sisters be who they want to be.




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